Jimbo’s Mailbag: Christmas Gifts and the Joes

Melissa Majchrzak via utahjazz.com

Welcome to the next edition of Jimbo’s Mailbag, our regular dose of levity here at Salt City Hoops. In each mailbag, Jimbo answers your burning questions with his unique outlook on Jazz basketball. Jimbo, by virtue of being recently featured in the Deseret News, is now the world’s most famous Utah-based basketball mailbag artist. You can submit questions to Jimbo at mailbag@saltcityhoops.com or by tweeting to @JimboRudding.

Q: What Christmas presents would you give the Jazz players, coaches, Gail [Miller], etc.?
@Floydroid27

Oh man, is it Christmas time already? I feel like I just took the Christmas tree down! In reality, I DID just take it down. Well, I took it down on September 18 so I guess it wasn’t like yesterday or anything. I put it back up the day before Thanksgiving, so it seemed like yesterday then. Wow, time sure does fly!

Floyd, I’m glad you asked this question because it’s always good to think about others this time of year. My grandpa always used to say, “You feel better about yourself when you’re serving the needy and also when you’re needing the servy.” I’m not really sure what he meant by that. He only used to say that particular thing in his later years and he passed at the age of 104, so that may have something to do with.

Just like you and I, the Utah Jazz are in desperate need of things this year. The season is going well considering all of the bad luck, but what happens if the little Dutch boy goes down with a finger injury and has to remove it from the hole in the dyke? We could all be in huge trouble if that happens; the season that looked so promising in the beginning could quickly get away.

That being said, here’s what I’m getting the Utah Jazz players and coaches this Christmas (don’t tell them; I want it to be a surprise):

• Jim Les – Nothing. He’s on the naughty list.
• Gordon Hayward – A new finger.
• Derrick Favors – A new leg.
• George Hill – A new thumb and toe.
• Alec Burks – A new body.
• Alec Burks’ surgeon – Nothing. He’s on the naughty list.
• Rodney Hood – A new hamstring.
• Dante Exum – Courage.
• Joe Ingles – Speed.
• Raul Neto – Playing time.
• Rudy Gobert – Post moves.
• Jeff Withey – A girlfriend that likes him for him.
• Joe Johnson – Youth.
• Boris Diaw – Memories of how he played with the Spurs.
• Joel Bolomboy – A chance.
• Shelvin Mack – Slippers.
• Coach Snyder – Experience.
• Coach Guthrie – Tickets to Justin Bieber.
• Coach Bryant – K-PAX on DVD
• Coach Jensen – A blender.
• Coach Kokoskov – In-and-Out gift card.
• Coach Proffgurtz – Who?
• Coach Mumzy – Really? A fake name is supposed to be funny?
• Coach Frump – OK, just stop.
• Gail – A conservative pant suit.

Q: Will other teams rest their starters now against the Warriors? Are the Jazz the new trendsetters of the NBA?
@joel_hiller

What a game! I can’t even tell you how encouraged I was with the way the Jazz “bench team” played against the Warriors… actually, I can tell you: I was VERY encouraged. I went to the game expecting to see a bloodbath (which it was during most of the first quarter), but our guys fought back and made the Warriors nervous enough that Steve Kerr had to play Durant, Curry, and Green in the fourth quarter. I don’t believe in moral victories, but I DO believe in leaving the arena after a loss and not wanting to throw an office chair at a bus. (Ha ha that’s a joke, I would never do that…OK, it happened once).

It’s probably unrealistic to say that other teams will try and start their bench guys when playing the Warriors from now on, but why not try it? Nothing else is working? Also, isn’t the definition of insanity doing something over and over again until you get so upset that you throw an office chair at a bus? Something like that, right?

Anyway, it was pretty awesome to see our guys not give up and lay down. You could probably make the argument that if the Jazz don’t spot them 27 points in the first quarter, they could probably win that game. Devil’s advocate: you could also say that if Michael Jordan doesn’t push off then the Jazz could have a championship right now.

Q: Any luck with the Wes Matthews RT?
@denverbros

I don’t need luck. I make my own luck! Actually that’s not true. I’m in desperate need of luck. Things are pretty horrible right now. PLEASE SEND LUCK!

I’m considering abandoning the entire Wesley Matthews retweet campaign. He doesn’t seem to want to respond to my nonsense, which is weird for me because I’m used to everyone I tweet responding by the showering of complete adulation.

I don’t know. Maybe if I mention something tragic about me or the people I know he’d be more likely to respond? I guess I could mention my sick neighbor? I mean, he’s not really THAT sick. It’s probably just a head cold, but he’s going around telling everyone that he needs to schedule an MRI. He does this all the time, though. Last year he was convinced he had the “black lung” but it turns out he had just eaten a sleeve of Oreos and it went down the wrong pipe and he ended up coughing some of Oreos up.

I’ve also thought of mentioning to Matthews that I thought I saw him at a Kohl’s in Salt Lake City. It turned out it wasn’t him, it was P. Diddy (formerly known as Puff Daddy, Ruff Dad, Pippi Pops, and Daddy P’s). At least, I’m pretty sure it was him. He had a nice jacket on and what looked like an expensive watch. I don’t know, the older I get the harder it is to tell all these actors apart. And why would he be shopping at Kohl’s? Actually, I’ve convinced myself now that it wasn’t either of them. Disregard the answer to this entire question.

Q: What happened to the 1/2 Bear?
@Steeleman77

I’ve been wondering the same thing. I’ve attended most of the home games this year and so far I haven’t seen him. Maybe he got tired of playing second fiddle? Maybe the Jazz suspended him until he gets better at the fiddle? Maybe the suit was too hot? There could be a lot of reasons and I don’t feel comfortable speculating any further.

Wherever he is, I think the Jazz need to find him and ask him to come back. Please, 1/2 Bear! Whatever we did, we’re sorry.

While we’re on the subject of things the Jazz need to do, I would suggest they also paint volleyball lines on the court just as a reminder of how lucky we are that the Jazz don’t have to share the arena with any other sports teams. I’ve noticed that most of us fans are taking that for granted lately and I don’t like to see that happen. Just think about how awesome it is that the arena is basically only for the Jazz, monster trucks, and occasionally Neil Diamond. It doesn’t get much better than that trifecta. Life really is good and we should all recognize that.

Q: Is it true that you can tell if the Jazz are going to win or lose by how the national anthem is sung?
@artdirector_g

I don’t like to brag too much about my skills, but yes, that’s absolutely true and I’m the best at it in the world.

I’m not sure if I was born with the gift or if I it was given to me by some special national anthem wizard or something, but the point is I’ve been blessed with something amazing and I pledge to only use these powers for good.

I can usually tell by the way the singer(s) hit the notes during the “and the rockets red glare” part if the Jazz will do well or not. I just get this gut feeling down deep in my guts’ guts about how the game will play out. It’s not like I can see the future, but it’s more like I can sense the future. Does that make sense?

Here are some other sixth sense-type skills I have that probably many of you don’t know about:

• I know when a rain storm is coming by the way my neighbor’s dog is barking.
• I can tell by the smell of the mall if the Dress Barn is having a good sale or not.
• I can tell by the glow of the Chick-Fil-A neon sign outside if it will be a pleasure to eat there that day.
• Sometimes I can have these intense conversations with house plants. They are extremely one-sided, but they are INTENSE.
• I can tell if someone has ever told their grandmother to “shut up” simply by looking at the interior of their car.
• I can tell if a waitress hates her job by the way she says, “Can I start you off with something to drink?”
• I can tell just how extensive their research was when someone says they “did research.”
• All I have to do is get a glimpse of the inside of a woman’s purse to tell if she’s ever hidden treats from her kids.
• I can touch someone’s neck pillow and tell if they’ve ever thought about buying a one-way ticket to anywhere and just starting over.

Q: Is Jingles or Joe Johnson the better Joe?
@denverbros

This is going to be a difficult question to answer. Especially after Joe Ingles led the comeback against the Warriors on Thursday night.

If you think about it, it’s pretty incredible how much the two Joes have in common. For instance, they both have the same first name (Joe), they’re both 38 years old, they both shoot the three-pointer fairly well, and they both conquered Contra at the arcade when they were teens.

But to really understand what it takes to be a good Joe, we have to take a look at the famous Joe’s in the history of the world. There really haven’t been many. I mean, sure you have Joe McIntyre of New Kids on the Block fame, Joe Stalin, Joe Cocker, Joey from the show Joey, John Smith, John F. Kennedy, John Denver, Johnny B Goode…the point is, there are TONS of famous Johns.

In conclusion, the better Joe depends on the night.

Joe Montana! I forgot Joe Montana. He was a good Joe too.

Thanks for the questions this week, you guys! Remember to tell your mom’s friends about Jimbo’s Mailbag. Do it while checking to see if your fly is down multiple times. Freak ‘em out. Make it weird.