Jimbo’s Mailbag – Convincing Free Agents NOT to Sign With the Jazz

Jimbo’s Mailbag is back. Note: not taking handwritten submissions.

Welcome to the next edition of Jimbo’s Mailbag! At Salt City Hoops, we know that covering a team without any humor can be dreary. As such, we decided to add a little bit more levity to our site via Jimbo’s unique outlook on the world of Jazz basketball. Jimbo, by virtue of being recently featured in the Deseret News, is now the world’s most famous Utah-based basketball mailbag artist. Interested in submitting a question to Jimbo’s mailbag? Email it to Jimbo at mailbag@saltcityhoops.com or tweet @JimboRudding to appear.

Q: Power rankings please of the top NBA players who have that look like they could [censored] on the court at any given moment.

@torqueloins

Not sure how appropriate this is, but since you’re a new question-asker to Jimbo’s Mailbag I’ll try answering it anyway.

I would feel horrible if this ever happened to a player in real life, intentional or not. I know that players usually wait until after the game to eat, but I would totally understand if a player needed to make a quick Taco Bell stop on the way to the arena.

I’d have to say that the list of NBA players who would, or would have at one time in their career, [censored] on the court probably looks something like this:
1. Jim Les
2. Dennis Rodman
3. Commodal Anthony
4. Matt Barnes
5. Yao Ming
6. Birdman
7. Manure Bol
8. George Manuresan
9. Buggsy Mogues
10. Dirk Bowlitzki

I didn’t spend too much time thinking about this list, so don’t expect it to be perfect. If you have any other suggestions, I’d love to hear them.

Q: Could you please talk about what’s happening with Derek Fisher? It is a very important lesson about karma.

@Jake_W_J

I assume what you’re referring to is the $109,000 in spousal support and $15,000 in child support that he is now legally obligated to pay his ex-wife per month?

I don’t like to kick people when they’re down, but on the other hand, sometimes it’s just as fun to watch them kick themselves while they’re down, am I right? It’s one of those “you made your bed, now you have to lie (pun intended) in it” type of things.

How fast the mighty have fallen. Back in 2007, Fisher was the epitome of a family man and father. He had EVERYTHING going for him. He had Jazz fans and the rest of the sports world on his side. His goodness and honor were exemplary and his example was heroic. Then just shy of a decade later his supporters have dwindled in number. So much so that even the biggest former-Laker fan (who is now a Warriors fan) living in Bismark, North Dakota is having a hard time seeing the logic in his actions.

But life goes on. Derek Fisher will eventually get another coaching position and then he’ll get lucky and win a few championships and then be heralded as one of the greatest coaches ever to coach the game and he’ll end his career with one more win than Jerry Sloan and we’ll all get upset and remind the world that he lied and cheated and probably cut the tags off of all of his mattresses and the few supporters that he has left will say, “That’s in his past. Forgive and forget, man. He’s a changed person. You don’t have any proof that any of that stuff is even true.” It’s the circle of life. Well, it’s the circle of being a Jazz fan, at least.

Q: How many times were you beat up in high school?

@JazzManZach

That’s kind of a personal question… and I LOVE personal questions, so thank you for asking. However, what I don’t love are questions about my sordid past and I’d thank you to not ask anymore. I like to keep all that stuff between myself and the people who tormented me growing up.

I’m torn on whether or not I should even answer this question at all……… but I’m going to go with my instincts on this one and answer it anyway. You only live once, right?

The truth is, I was never really “beat up” in high school. I DID have a few altercations with students and faculty that I’m not proud of, but things never really came to blows.

Because I’m a sharer, you’ve convinced me to let the world know all about the skeletons I have in my school closet. So, without further adieaueuau, here are a few of the school incidents I had growing up:

• I got into a heated argument with a lunch lady because she refused to let me borrow her hair net for a quick joke.
• I got into another argument with a completely different lunch lady because she wouldn’t give me the recipe for peanut butter bars.
• One time I got kicked out of my math class for repeatedly yelling “X MARKS THE SPOT” anytime someone solved for x on the chalkboard in front of the class.
• I got into an argument with a man who I thought was the assistant principal about which guy was Milli and which guy was Vanilli. Turns out the “assistant principal” was just an elderly man on a walk with his dog.
• In 7th grade a girl in my Utah History class wanted to fight me. To this day, I’m still unsure as to why. I never once interacted with her. She just one day out of the blue asked if I wanted to fight her. My mom said it was probably because she had a crush on me. After mom mentioned this it made sense because I had been fighting a TON of girls.
• I got into a tiny misunderstanding once with a crossing guard. She never really did anything to provoke me, I was just in a bad mood and something about her reflective vest and sweaty forehead set me off. I ended up stealing her STOP sign and throwing it in a field. My dad made me give it back to her and apologize the next day. I learned a lot from that.

TO all you kids reading this mailbag—please don’t fight with anyone. Just be nice and respect your elders. Trust me, it’ll pay off in the long run. Hopefully in the form of extra peanut butter bars.

Q: What are the odds that the Kentucky Derby comes to Utah next year?

@jboz92

That’s a hard question to answer seeing as how the only thing I know about the Kentucky Derby is that the horses that get whipped the most run the fastest. Plus, I don’t really know how odds work. Like, if you are given 3 to 1 odds, does that mean there would be three horses or three separate bets or what? I know it has something to do with — you bet one dollar and if you win I give you three — but I’m never quite certain I ever have it right. Like, who gets three dollars? Is it me or the other guy or the jockey or the horse the jockey is whipping? Math was never my thing.

Speaking of horses, have you had a chance to go to that Cavalia show? I can’t believe how much the Cavalia peeps want all of us to go to that thing. I wonder if while they were putting up the 1,000th billboard, one of them was like, “Now THIS is the one that they’re all gonna read. We’re gonna be rich!”

It’s like they did some research and found out that all Utahns are super into white horses and acrobats. When you combine the two things we love the most, then it’s like we can’t help ourselves and we just hand over our hard earned money to anyone with a giant white tent. Pretty soon all we can think about is getting more white horses and more acrobats. It’s sad really, but also a pretty savvy business move on their part.

Q: I know you have an itinerary for when Kevin Durant visits, but what if you had to take a free agent that you DIDN’T like around town? Where would you go? What would you show him?

@mikeyvp

This is the perfect question because we’re always complaining how free agents never want to come to Utah, but in reality… it’s true, most free agents don’t want to come here. But is that our fault? Well, yes, we chose to live in a state that isn’t attractive to young, single men looking to party.

Most of the recent Jazz free agents have been end-of-the-bench guys either on their way out of the league because of their age or because they just aren’t good enough. Maybe this is the magic offseason where a big-name free agent notices how many clean Dairy Queens we have and decides to sign with the Jazz?

If I were in charge of escorting a free agent around town and I secretly wanted to dissuade him from signing with the Jazz, here would be our itinerary:

4:45 a.m. – I pick him up at my buddy Shane’s Tuff Shed cause he finally got it air-conditioned and he said I could have anyone stay overnight for free anytime because last year I helped him move his washer and dryer into his third-floor apartment.

5:00 a.m. – We stop by Daylight Donuts and I secretly pay the employee to tell him that the only ones they have left are the Orange-Peel Rhubarb.

6:00 a.m. – We go for a drive around Utah Lake and I point out the diaper smell.

7:30 a.m. – I take him to breakfast at Beto’s where I order him a giant potato-only breakfast burrito and a tall glass of warm Horchata.

8:30 a.m. – We meet Dell Schanze on the west side of Utah Lake and he takes us up in his glider to hunt endangered owls.

10:30 a.m. – We arrive on the quad at SLCC where he is introduced to LARPing.

12:00 p.m. – As sort of an object lesson, I take him to Jim Les’es’s old apartment. I just point and say, “This is where the magic DIDN’T happen.”

12:15 p.m. – For absolutely no reason at all, I throw a water balloon square at his face. At first he is incredulous and starts to argue about it, but then I just point to the Jazz logo on my Polo shirt and he understands the importance of being ready for anything.

12:30 p.m. – I take him to a house that has campers, ATVs, and boats in the front yard, but haven’t been able to afford to put sod in since they moved in three years ago. Then I say, “These could be your neighbors.”

12:45 p.m. – We hit Beto’s again for lunch, which is probably good because this is about the time he will be needing a bathroom because of his Beto’s breakfast. We take our Beto’s lunch to Pioneer Park and have a picnic right next to the bathrooms.

1:30 p.m. – We head down 1-15 and get stuck in traffic at the point of the mountain. I turn of the air conditioning to show him what it used to be like growing up in Utah in the 80’s.

2:00 p.m. – We stop at an elderly couple’s house and help put up sheetrock in his backyard shed.

3:00 p.m. – We drive by the old water slides at Classic Skating and I say, “This is where I got these babies.” Then I lift up my shirt and show him the scars on my back.

3:30 p.m. – We walk up to the top of Ensign Peak and I say, “If you can hit the corner three consistently, then all this could be yours” and then I gesture towards an old abandoned tent that a few transients left.

4:30 p.m. – We drive out to the west desert and I show him Saltair. He asks what it is and I say, “I’m not really sure. I think a lot of elderly people used to take baths here. But now we use it as a place for REO Speedwagon to entertain us.”

5:30 p.m. – We arrive at Scheels and share an awkward Ferris wheel ride. It’s awkward because I spend the whole time asking him to rank his favorite zoo animals.

6:00 p.m. – I take him for a scenic drive through the bad parts of West Valley City.

6:45 p.m. – We arrive at Beto’s for dinner. He says he’s not hungry, but I explain to him that the employees will get extremely offended if he doesn’t eat. I order him another lukewarm Horchata.

8:00 p.m. – We meet Dell Schanze on the other side of Utah Lake again and Dell flies him in his glider to the Salt Lake airport so he can fly home.

Thanks for all the questions, you guys! Remember to tell your local librarians about Jimbo’s Mailbag. Do it dressed as Dewey Decimal, complete with cane and monocle. Make it weird.