Jimbo’s Mailbag: Denver’s Pick, A Message From the Future, and Halftime Acts

Denver’s 2017 draft pick turned into this guy.

Following an NBA team should be fun, and Jimbo Rudding makes sure it is. Jimbo provides our regular dose of levity here at Salt City Hoops, answering reader questions with his signature blend of creativity, humor and unabashed fandom. You can submit questions to Jimbo at mailbag@saltcityhoops.com or by tweeting to @JimboRudding. Can I get an RT for that?

Q: Do you have any work for (former Raptors coach and COY finalist) Dwane Casey?

@Clintonite33

Not unless he wants to weed-eat my lawn once a week. Tanner, the neighbor kid I was paying weekly to do it, said he couldn’t do it anymore because it made his hands “tingly.” I asked him what that meant and he just shrugged his shoulders and then offered to get me a note from his doctor. Ugh, kids! Am I right?

I do feel bad for Casey, though. I mean, you coach your team to five playoff appearances in a row and then whammo, you’re shown the door. If I were him, I’d be like, “Listen, just let me keep my job or I’m going to tell everyone in America that Canada is lame.” If that didn’t work, I’d threaten to start a vicious rumor about how Canadians practically worship Balki Bartokomous from Perfect Strangers. I don’t know if that would work or not. I’m basically just thinking out loud here.

The point is, if you’re a good coach and you take your team to the playoffs, there is absolutely no reason you should lost your job. Unless you’re taking home printer paper from the arena for personal use, but really, that’s a whole other topic.

Q: If Doc Brown showed up and offered to take you back in time this season, what date would you travel back to, and what advice would you give to Quin Snyder? Also, would you put some money on the Cubbies?

@BardenPembleton

To answer your last question first: I’d probably thumb at least a hundred bucks on the Cubbies.

First of all, shout out to Doc Brown. He’s such a nice guy for offering to take me back in time. There are probably so many other things that would be more beneficial to the human race and he’s offering to do this for me. I really appreciate that and I hope he knows his generosity does not go unnoticed.

It’d be fun to go back to January 22, right after the Jazz lost to the Atlanta Hawks to fall to 19-28. That was a sad day for a lot of Jazz fans because I think the realization that being in the NBA draft lottery was inevitable. I, for one, think it’s awesome that the season did a complete 180 from there. Anyway… back to the time travel part: I would concoct a plan to sneak into the Jazz locker room to talk to the team. I assume this wouldn’t be an easy thing to do what with all the arena security. However, my plan, as I’m thinking about it now, would be to dress in a suit and tie and tell the arena security that I’m an assistant coach in charge of “follow through” and I slept in and that’s why I’m late getting into the locker room. If that didn’t work, I’d try to convince them I was from the future by telling them how the royal wedding went or something.

Once I got into the locker room I’d say, “Listen fellas, you all need to listen to Rudy. He just tweeted that ‘We will be fine’ and I promise you that you WILL be fine. Believe me, I’m from the future (this is where I would bring up the royal wedding). Listen to Coach Snyder and I promise you the rest of the season will be crazy fun!”

This is probably when Rodney Hood would stand up and ask, “How is the rest of my season going to play out? Am I going to play myself into a big contract?” And this is where I would pretend I didn’t hear him and continue telling them about how awesome the future is.

Also, once I was done addressing the team, I’d pull Coach Snyder aside and tell him to get the trainers to stretch everyone’s hamstrings a little bit extra for the next couple months.

Q: Is there any testing done to see if players will lie to teams to get out of contracts?

@qcottle

Yes, it’s called “Fisher Testing” and it is 100 percent accurate. The league is now requiring all rookies to go through this testing before beginning their rookie season. It’s fairly intrusive testing that includes shock therapy combined with marriage counseling and honesty training seminars.

Players who don’t pass Fisher Testing will be sent to the G League and will be in charge of washing the towels for the entire year.

Q: What’s the lowest Denver would realistically take for the #11 pick?

@devon_barber

Just got off the phone with my guy in the Denver Nuggets front office and he says they’d take Alec Burks and a basket of fancy cheeses. I told him I would make a few phone calls and let him know what I find out.

Before he hung up, he said the lowest he thought they would take for their pick was a pallet of nacho chips.

I’m torn here because as a Jazz fan, I would love for Dennis Lindsey to make another effort to move up in the draft again. However, as someone who has been in the Jazz’es front office before [I once dressed up as a Hogle Zoo employee and told the arena security that I was searching for a few escaped puffins and got into some offices I probably wasn’t supposed to be in], I think we should probably play it safe and just see what falls to No. 21.

Q: Hey Jimbo. First time/long time. I do a halftime act where I’m on a very high unicycle and I spin plates on wooden dowels and I balance The Red Panda on my head who is also on a high unicycle who is flipping cups from her feet onto her head. Do you think Gail would book me?

@phred84044

That halftime act sounds amazing! I would totally be there if you ever got the go-ahead from Gail. Let me know.

I myself am trying to find that perfect routine that’ll get me that ever-elusive halftime show. I’ve studied halftime acts for years and one thing I’ve discovered is it helps to combine a musical instrument with another prop or act. For instance, here are a few I’ve tried in the past:

• Like you, I also tried the unicycle, but I combined it with playing the flute. I fell the second time I tried it and ended up getting part of the flute caught in my braces. The orthodontist said it was the worst fix he’d ever had to make.
• I tried to ride a hoverboard and play the ukulele at the same time, but I ended up bruising my tailbone. Doc said he’d never seen a bruise like that. He said the coloring was very prominent and he also gagged a few times.
• I tried playing the harmonica and riding a number of animals that probably weren’t meant for human recreation including, large dogs, two goats at once, an emu, a couple of peacocks strapped to my feet, and a VERY pregnant donkey.
• I modified an Ab Glider machine so that it would play an accordion as I did my workout. I actually got pretty good at this one. I could play “When the Saints Go Marching In” and I also had a pretty sweet 8-pack as well. Ultimately, my physique became too distracting when I’d go to Seven Peaks Water Park and other public pools, so I gave up on that act.
• For awhile I tried playing a blade of grass in between my thumbs while skateboarding, but the kids at the skate park started making fun of the penny loafers I was skating in and the bullying just got too intense that I quit skating altogether.

Don’t let my failures derail your halftime plans though. You can do it! Just believe in yourself and whatever you do, never EVER ride a pregnant donkey while playing the harmonica.

Q: Is the smaller Jazz bear a kid or a little person? Been dying to know/understand.

@tlovinit

I would actually like to know the answer to this question myself. Like you, I’ve never been able to figure this one out. After years of thinking, I have two theories of what it could be. It’s either a toddler sitting on another toddler’s shoulders or it’s very advanced robotics.

Q: How many teams has Derek Fisher lied to in order to get out of a contract?

@rizonaggie

Oh shoot, I know this! Ugh, this memory of mine… I want to say three, but is that it? Wait, now I’m thinking five? Wait, no, six!?

Oh well, I’m sticking with my original answer. Three.

Q: What will it take to get LeBron to Utah? I’m thinking unlimited Chuck-a-Rama and a lifetime season pass to Lagoon.

@QuinneyUte

Yeah, I’ve tried mentioning both of those things to him via Twitter and he isn’t biting. My guess is we’re gonna have to offer something a little bigger and better. Here’s what I’m thinking:

• A photo op with Governor Harry Gerbert.
• A few rides down the ski jump into a swimming pool (after he signs a waiver).
• A private tour of Kennecott Copper Mine.
• Free lawn aeration for a year.
• If we all chip in, maybe we could get him a karaoke machine? Pretty sure they sell them at Costco.
• Free piano lessons for all his kids.
• 1,000 casserole recipes on 3 x 5 cards.
• A drawer full of Schwan’s coupons.
• The city council offers to let the James family live in Roseanne Bahr’s old house rent free for one year.
• Couples massage with Robert Redford.

Surely one of those things will work.

Q: Assuming New Orleans is trading us Anthony Davis for the Jazz name, what mascot should we adopt? The ‘Roos? The 47’ers? The Silicon Slopers?

@RedStaplerGuy

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again–the Utah Jazz should eventually become the Utah Brinezz. You know, after brine shrimp from the Great Salt Lake. Here’s why:

• They’re scary looking.
• They’re annoying (just like Utah Brinezz defense).
• They smell great.
• They’re delicious.
• They’re friendly.

Q: If Derek Fisher lies in a remote part of the forest, is it even a lie?

@sunlitgold1968

No, it’s three lies.

Q: On locker clean out day, I assume they give the showers a once-over too. What do they do with all the half-used soap? Is it kept for the summer league players? You think they find weird stuff in the back of the lockers?

@the6bees

Great question! The short answer is—yes, they DO keep the half-used soaps. The long answer is—they give them to the guys who come in for a pre-draft workouts so they can use them for their shower afterwards. The only catch is, they ONLY give them to the players who are predicted to be drafted.

They used to give them to everyone who came in for a workout, but they had trouble with some of the long-shot-to-be-drafted players putting soaps on eBay. You may think that’s crazy, but word has it, a VERY slim Irish Spring bar that John Crotty allegedly used went for over $3,000 back in the early 2000s.

Thanks for submitting questions, you guys. Remember to tell your grandmas and grandpas about Jimbo’s Mailbag. Tell them while pretending to make a snow angel in their green shag carpet that they for some reason still have. Make it weird.