Jimbo’s Mailbag – Fans Intensely Content at Jazz Draft Party

Photo by Gregory Shamus/Getty Images

Here at Salt City Hoops, we’re occasionally accused of being too analytical. Basketball is a fun sport, they say, and we’re being too objective about it. Jumbo Rudding, on the other hand, is not analytical. He is zany. He is infamous for his out-of-left-field basketball jokes and opinions. We’re thrilled to have him contribute a mailbag each week on Salt City Hoops. Interested in submitting a question to Jimbo’s mailbag? Email it to Jimbo at mailbag@saltcityhoops.com or tweet @JimboRudding to appear.

Q: Since mailbag comes out after draft please explain why the Jazz did what they did. Are we to be shocked, excited, confused?

@FakeReaganDiary

Good question. Here we are, a good 12 hours after the draft, and I still don’t have a strong opinion about what happened last night. I was at the draft party in the Energy Solutions Arena and the way I would describe the reaction would be “silent cheering.” I didn’t hear any boos, but no one got out of their seat and scream-cheered either. I don’t think I saw anyone high-five and I know for a fact that there were no hugs … at least not by my best bros who were sitting right next to me. They’re still afraid to hug me in public. Get over yourselves, bros!

I’m guessing the Jazz did the best thing with what they had been given. In no way do I think that Trey Lyles was their guy all along, but I also think that they are content with their pick. I wonder too if maybe they made that pick because it could be easier to get a shooter in free agency instead of a back-up big man? I really don’t know. It’s not like I was in the war room or anything. If they DID let me in the war room, I would be the guy loudly saying, “AWWWW MAN!” after the announcement of every pick before the Jazz’ pick. Then after the Jazz made their first round pick I would get bored and probably see how many bags of Funyuns I could eat before I started to feel “pukey.”

Q: Funny how broadcasters have to “make up” good things to say about the late second rounders. Any new “comments” they should add?

@BardenPembleton

Yeah, it sure does get harder and harder for the commentators to say specific things about the obscure Euro players as the night goes on. I wrote down a lot of the second-round player features they mentioned. Here are some of my favorites:

• “He has a giant wingspan with enormous claw-type fingernails and a very sharp, beak-shaped nose for the basketball. Snacks on seeds during timeouts.”
• “Well, he’s not the most handsome guy in the world, but he can really shoot it. Wait, what? … [holding finger to earpiece] … Check that, he IS the most handsome guy in the world. Well, congratulations are in order, I guess.”
• “This guy is from India and word out of his camp is he is REALLY looking forward to guarding Curry.”
• “He’s a legit seven-footer from Latvia, which our sources are telling us is a country located just off the coast of New Jersey.”
• “Not the most athletic guy in the world, but he can dribble, shoot, pass … basically all the things basketball players do. One thing he CAN’T do — talk to women. He really struggles with that. ”
• “He is a wing player who needs to get stronger and, judging by the looks of his shoulders, DEFINITELY needs to work on getting some ointment for his bacne.”
• “He took his Polish team Adelajda to the Polish Championship Game, which isn’t that big of a deal when you take into account the Polish Basketball League only has one and a half teams.”
• “His game is coming along nicely, but his beard is NOT coming along nicely. Look at him! I mean, that thing makes Paul Pierce’s beard look like a massive evergreen shrub!”

Q: Does @saltcityhoops have any plans to go back 10 years or so and grade all the dudes who grade every draft the morning after?

@JimmerFrodette

If they do, I haven’t been notified about it.

Draft grades are my favorite. Months before the draft happens, we have “experts” tell us who the best ones are and in which order they will be picked. Then, once it’s over, they tell us how well the teams did according to their projections. All this valuable advice and none of these guys have played one minute of NBA basketball.

If you are a believer in draft grades, go back and look at the 2011 draft class. Besides Irving, Thompson, and Leonard, that class as a whole gets an F-.

By the way, my Utah Jazz draft grade: AB ~ (which, coincidentally, is also my blood type)

Q: What are some funny NBA names, if you trade firsts and lasts? Like Trey Turner, and Myles Lyles? Zaza Antetokounmpo?

@CjChaze

I think you answered your own question here … but, I’ll take a stab at it:

• Bismack Babbitt
• Jim Les (what a jerk)
• James James
• Jabari Zamboni
• Kentavious Bugglesworth
• Rob Summerdickle
• Jimbo Rudding
• Les Jim
• Charger Stones
• Chip Clip
• Susan

I don’t think I’m good at this game.

Q: So excited Cousins may get out of that toxic situation in Sacto. Just me or perfect fit with loveable Kobe? Who’s with me!?

@the6bees

I agree that Cousins and Kobe would be a perfect fit. They deserve each other. Two gross peas in a crusty pod.

Listen, Kobe is done. Mark my words (and I don’t write “mark my words” very often), Kobe will reinjure himself this year and will retire once the season is done. If by some chance my words are not marked and that doesn’t happen, my guess is he will demand a trade mid-year when the Lakers are hovering around mediocrity again and after Swaggy P. Daddy (or whatever his name is) neglects to pass to Kobe for a buzzer-beater.

Can I just say what a pleasureous, joyous delight it has been to watch the Lakers lose the last few years? It’s almost like karma came around and beat the crud out of them for the dirty Pau Gasol trade of 2008. I know the Grizzlies eventually got Marc Gasol out of the deal, but at the time, it was like the Lakers took turns going to the bathroom in a bucket, handed the bucket to the Grizzlies and said, “Now, you give us all your gold!” It felt like the time I was duped into trading my Ken Griffey Jr. rookie card for a couple of Don Suttons. It just wasn’t fair.

Can I also say how stupid I think it is that people say that the NBA needs the Lakers and Knicks to be good? Nonsense! The playoffs were probably better this year than the last five years combined and there wasn’t a Laker or Knick in sight. Ratings were through the roof and jersey sales were good to semi-great. Nacho sales dipped a little bit, but that’s understandable because that stuff is hecka-disgusting.

That’s all I have to say about that.

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Thanks for the questions, y’all! Tell your parents and teachers about the mailbag. Let’s get the mailbag trending starting with your parents and teachers!