Jimbo’s Mailbag – How Many Wins Will the Jazz Have This Year?

Welcome to the next edition of Jimbo’s Mailbag! At Salt City Hoops, we know that covering a losing team without any humor can be dreary. As such, we decided to add a little bit more levity to our site via Jimbo’s unique outlook on the world of Jazz basketball. Interested in submitting a question to Jimbo’s mailbag? Email it to Jimbo at mailbag@saltcityhoops.com or tweet @JimboRudding to appear.

Q:  What is your season prediction for the Jazz? More than 35 wins?

– @artdirector_g

Hmmmm, that’s a tough one. On one hand, this has been one of the most enjoyable preseasons I have ever watched. On the other hand, preseason means absolutely nothing. That being said, I would put the ceiling at 42 wins and the basement at 18 wins. However, it’s an unfinished basement, so really it’s 16 wins.

Here are other predictions I have for the 2014-2015 season:

• Quin Snyder will accidentally burn a small child in the front row with his laser eyes.
• Gordon Hayward will go through a slump or two where we all just repeat “63 million dollars!” in our minds over and over again.
• The Jazz Bear will come onto the court with the Jazz trailing by 9 and with only 12 seconds left and tell us to get on our feet cause this is our house and there’s still a chance.
• Gobert will hurt his back, Jeremy Evans will sprain an ankle, and Steve Novak will get to play in at least one game.
• You will purchase nachos during a game, eat them in their entirety, and then immediately regret the whole thing.
• I will become irritated with the line of people exiting the ESA restroom only to discover that I am trying to enter the restroom using the exit door.
• Someone will ask me, “Do you think that smaller bear is a real midget or just a kid?”
• My Uncle Dale will say, “How bout that [insert player name here]?” after he caught the last part of the sports section of the 10 o’clock news showing that player make a shot.
• Gastric distress will run loose and rampant.

Q: Top ten players you hope NEVER play for the Jazz? Kobe and JJ Barea are on the list, right?

– @BardenPembleton

Here you go:

1. Kobe Bryant
2. John Lucas III
3. Al Jefferson
4. Ricky Davis
5. Kobe Bryant
6. JR Smith
7. Carmelo Anthony
8. Derek Fisher
9. John Lucas III
10. Derek Fisher

Q: Why isn’t Arkansas pronounced like Kansas?

– @Hoey1

I’ve never been to either state, so I don’t think I’m the best source of information regarding their pronunciations. However, I HAVE been to Reno, Nevada, and Reno is the place you visit if you literally have nothing else to shoot for in life. I said it and I don’t feel bad. Not even a little bit.

Q: Have you ever tweeted Jimmer saying it’s your birthday?

– @rosealustbader

Only every birthday for the past three years. I really don’t understand why he doesn’t respond. Maybe he’s too busy or maybe he isn’t on Twitter all that much. Whatever the case, I must not and WILL not acquiesce.

My ultimate goal is to send him a tweet so perfect that he has no choice but to ask me to interview him. And this is the way I imagine the interview would go:

ME: “So, thanks for allowing me to interview you.”

JIMMER: “No problem. Thanks for all the tweets.”

ME: “Oh, that was my pleasure.”

[I become so mesmerized by Jimmer that I forget I’m supposed to ask him questions.]

[After a few minutes of me smiling and staring at him, I continue.]

ME: “So, the Pelicans?”

JIMMER: “Yep.”

ME: “How come?”

JIMMER: “Well, they thought I would be a good fit.”

ME: “Wow…that’s a VERY interesting story.”

[Another few minutes of awkward silence.]

ME: “Would you rather make all your threes or have a free Costco membership for life?

JIMMER: “Make all my threes.”

ME: “Ok, well here’s a follow-up question:  Do you know if Steven Seagal is even still alive?”

JIMMER: “I’m not sure who that is.”

ME: “WHAT!?!?!?! Get the hell out of my interview room!”

JIMMER: “But this is my house.”

ME: “I SAID OUT!”

Aaaaaaaaaaand scene.

Q:  What would be a better halftime snack in the locker room, corndogs or pancakes on a stick?

– @k_r_baum

Yes, this is a pancake on a stick. Yes, somehow this is an object used in this post. (photo from flickr)

GREAT question, but I gotta be honest. I had to Google “pancakes on a stick” and they are exactly what I pictured in my head…a stick with a pancake at the end. BRILLIANT! Therefore, I officially vote for pancakes as the halftime snack.

However, one of the bad things about eating pancakes is afterwards you smell like you just ate pancakes. The same thing goes for Corn Nuts and Doritos. If you eat any of these foods, you may as well call it a night because NO ONE is excited about hanging out with Cool-Ranch guy. And don’t fool yourself into thinking gum or a quick brushing will cure your temporary halitosis. Not even Big Red gum stands a chance against barbecue Corn Nuts. It’s just a fact of life. Deal with it.

So maybe we stock all three in the locker room at halftime in the hopes that maybe the other team will back off on defense. Just like the extremely sweaty guy that no one wants to guard in pick-up ball. If the Jazz players are breathing heavily in the faces of their opponents, they should be able to score more easily.

We need a secret code for this plan so that other teams don’t try the same thing. I submit that we call it the “Butterworth Plan.”

Q:  Hi, I wanted to check how you feel today.

– ovulation@googleadservices.com

This was an actual email I received through mailbag@saltcityhoops.com. I’m like 67% sure it’s spam mail, but in case it isn’t: I feel fine. I don’t think I’m ovulating, but thanks for asking.

—-

Thanks for the question ovulation@googleadservices.com! And thanks to everyone else too!