Jimbo’s Mailbag – Improving the Jazz Game Experience

(Russ Isabella-USA TODAY)

Here at Salt City Hoops, we’re occasionally accused of being too analytical. Basketball is a fun sport, they say, and we’re being too objective about it. Jumbo Rudding, on the other hand, is not analytical. He is zany. He is infamous for his out-of-left-field basketball jokes and opinions. We’re thrilled to have him contribute a mailbag each week on Salt City Hoops. Interested in submitting a question to Jimbo’s mailbag? Email it to Jimbo at mailbag@saltcityhoops.com or tweet @JimboRudding to appear.

Q: Do the Jazz Dancers read the mailbag? Have they ever asked you to put them in contact with me?

@SpamIsDelish

OF COURSE! In fact, the Jazz Dancers are some of the mailbag’s most loyal readers. They’re always emailing me congratulations and a few subtle ways I could make the mailbag “pop” more to readers.

I’m not sure about hooking you up with any of them, though. They have strict rules about dating Jazz players and employees. I’ll have to ask if there are any rules about them dating fans and get back to you.

In the meantime, I CAN help you get to know a few of them a little better:

• Chelsea – She is probably the spunkiest dancer of all the Jazz dancers. The other girls on the team call her “Cha Cha” because of all her spunk. In fact, she has so much spunk, last year she landed a triple-twist back flap during practice just because she felt like it. Her favorite color is beige and her favorite type of blinds are faux wood.
• Tiffany – Tiff has a great personality! She LOVES her phone and spends her free time tanning and trying new eyelash extensions. She’s planning a trip to Rome with her mom in the spring and her claim to fame is that her cousin was once an extra in Touched by an Angel.
• Shannon – Shan’s feistiness comes out clearly in her dancing. She claims to have the best cuticles on the team and can often be seen closely examining them during breaks. She has listened to all the Harry Potter books on CD and secretly wishes she could be a wizard so that she can make her hair extensions her real hair.
• Katie – “Kay Kay,” as she’s known on the team, has a healthy obsession with longboarding. She can often be seen discussing longboarding with a TON of hot guys. She’s also really into rock climbing even though she hasn’t had a chance to go for the last six years because she’s been WAY too busy. Also, she has a pet turtle named Corky.
• Corinne – The girls on the team all voted “Cory” the “Most Likeable” at the year-end barbecue last year. Although none of them would admit this out loud, they all agree that Cory is the least attractive of the dancers. That’s okay though, because what she lacks in looks she TOTALLY makes up for in enthusiasm and knowledge about dirt bikes.
• Summer – Sum is one of the shortest dancers on the team. Measuring in at three feet and three inches, she has the perfect frame for being flung all around the gym. During a game against the Mavericks last year, Summer was thrown into the air and grazed her forehead on the bottom of the jumbotron. Luckily she was caught and was in good spirits when she woke up the next day.
• Megan – Meg was born in South Carolina and moved to Utah in 2012 with her father and brothers. She enjoys spending time with her six dogs, Gus, Zoe, Mark Rumsfield, Barry, Borch, and Berry. Her most embarrassing moment was when she spilled some Diet Coke on her jeans at Ruth’s Chris Steak House while on a date. She had her purse stolen at the Gateway last year and started a non-profit organization called “Stuff Watch” that specializes in being more aware of your stuff while you’re out and about.
• Savannah – Vana was voted “Prettiest Jazz Dancer” last year, which makes three years in a row. She was CRAZY in love with her boyfriend Tyler until Tyler started hanging out with a girl he met at a party at Claire’s named Kendall. When Vana confronted Tyler about Kendall, he was all, “She’s just a friend, babe!” But Vana knows better. This is the fourth time in a month. Something’s not right with this relationship. Tune into next week’s mailbag for an update.

I hope this helps in your search for a soulmate. I love the Jazz dancers! They are great girls and are essential in helping the Utah Jazz win games.

Q: You see that pic of Enes Kanter and that tall guy? Makes Enes look like he is really terrible at playing defense!

@PappaRoost

That’s EXACTLY what I thought! That tall guy was pretty good in Big Fish.

I sort of feel a little sorry for the Oklahoma City Thunder. The Jazz totally got the better end of that deal. I’m just nervous that Ibaka will hide Kanter’s inefficiencies on defense and everyone will be like, “Wow, how could the Jazz give up on this guy so quickly?” But, if that happens and you find yourself getting angry, just go outside and take a look at those mountains. What a sight! Simply standing there and marveling at their enormity and grandeur always calms me down.

Q: Do you have any holistic advice about gaining a couple hundred pounds before the season starts?

@the6bees

Holistic advice, huh? Maybe eat some KFC while thinking about pinwheels? That always helps keep my cholesterol low.

My favorite part about the offseason coming to a close is the annual discussion of how many pounds of muscle every player put on in the three short months since we saw them last. I guess it’s possible to put on that much weight in muscle in that short of time, but I tend to think it’s only our wishful thinking.

However, if you’ve read Jimbo’s Mailbag before, you know that I have inside information on each player and what they’re up to. That’s why everyone in the Jazz organization and my family call me “Scoop Jimbo.” (It’s because I always have the scoop on things.)

So without further adieauexauxs, here is a list of how many pounds a couple players have put on during the offseason and what they did to gain their bulk:

• Gordon Hayward – Gordon has gained 48 pounds of straight, red muscle. Now that he’s married and has a baby, he gets more sleep because his wife doesn’t allow him to play video games late into the night anymore. Less sleep means more hours in the day to do push-ups and pull-ups and climb a rope and whatnot.¹
• Bryce Cotton – Bryce has put on roughly one pound during the summer. I heard a rumor that he had seconds of a dinner back in June.
• Rudy Gobert – Rudy has gained 29.2 pounds of superhuman muscle strength by running up and down the Eifel Tower and also jump-roping. This is good news since he is preparing to win both the Most Improved Player and Defensive Player of the Year awards this season.
• Jeff Withey – Rumors are that Jeff gained 16 pounds of muscle by moving old exercise equipment out of his grandmother’s basement and taking it to the dump for her.
• Jack Cooley – Jack gained 33 pounds of muscle by watching Rocky IV and then lifting a boatload of heavy rocks into a couple of wheelbarrows.

Q: Is the Jazz roster done? Do you think they trade anyone at the trade deadline?

@Mikeyvp

The roster sort of has to be done because the Jazz can only have 20 players in training camp and they reached that limit last week with the signing of Jeff Withey.

If the Jazz trade someone at the trade deadline, I’m hoping it is Allen Handy. Unless it’s for Jim Les, then I wouldn’t do that deal in a million years.

In all seriousness, if Trey Burke has a hard time getting going, I could see the Jazz trading him. But I would only agree to that if we could somehow get LeBron James back. I’m pretty sure the salaries match up, but I’m not sure Cleveland does that deal. There’s just too many unknowns at this point.

Q: What new things can we expect during games in the arena this year?

@Steeleman77

Glad you asked! I am super excited for the season to start because I’ve heard through the grapevine that the Jazz have some awesome new ideas to spice up the game experience for the fans this season. Here are a few of their ideas I’ve been heard about:

• Each fan will be given a marshmallow shooter to launch marshmallows at the opposing players during warm-ups. I have been told that marshmallows shooters will ONLY be allowed during warm-ups and if a fan abuses their shooter privileges and uses one during a game then shooting privileges will be revoked for the remainder of the season.
• You will no longer be allowed to select the type of soft drink you would like to purchase at concession stands. The cashiers have been authorized to guess what soft drink you would most enjoy by looking at your facial features and your style of dress. NOTE: This new policy is strictly to get the lines moving faster and have absolutely NOTHING to do with how you look or what you are wearing.
• Fans will be encouraged to use the words “showboat” and “huckleberry” while heckling other players this season.
• The “Item of the Night,” which is usually a cheap shirt or sweatshirt available at Fanzz, will be guaranteed to still fit after one washing.
• Bolerjack and Harpring will be required to give a high-five and softly apologize to each fan as they leave the arena doors after a home loss.
• Any fan wearing Ragnar apparel will be required to help move some arena equipment before being allowed to sit in their seats.
• The ushers will have the added responsibility this year to watch for fans, particularly in the lower bowl, who are not paying attention during the game. On the first offense you get a warning; after the second offense you will be required to switch seats with a fan under the age of 15 in the upper bowl. If the behavior continues, the fan not paying attention will be publicly shamed on the jumbotron and politely asked to become a Laker fan.
• All children who can successfully complete a US States and Capitols quiz will be allowed to enter the opposing team’s locker room before the game starts and take one item of their choosing.
• The Jazz organization is working on a Utah Jazz fight song. Details are sketchy, but I am hearing it will be to the tune of Beastie Boys’ “Brass Monkey.”

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Thanks for the questions, you guys! Remember to tell your friends, neighbors, teachers, and senseis to vote for Jimbo’s Mailbag for President!