Jimbo’s Mailbag – Is Enes Kanter Being Traded?

Would a Steve Novak RT mean more than a Jimmer Fredette RT? (Photo by Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images)

Welcome to the next edition of Jimbo’s Mailbag! At Salt City Hoops, we know that covering a losing team without any humor can be dreary. As such, we decided to add a little bit more levity to our site; what follows is the product of Jimbo’s, um, creative mind. Interested in submitting a question to Jimbo’s mailbag? Email it to Jimbo at mailbag@saltcityhoops.com or tweet @JimboRudding to appear. 

Q:  I have a ’06 Honda Odyssey with a door that squeaks. I’ve already tried WD-40. My question is: Will Gobert get Kanter’s minutes this year?

– @UGottaLovItBaby

The most amazing thing about this is, I had this exact same thought last week. Except, it wasn’t while trying to fix the squeak on my car door; it was while I was trying to un-jam my printer.

I have said all along (which means I’ve blurted it out loud while alone in my car listening to sports talk radio) that Kanter will not be a member of the Utah Jazz after the trade deadline this coming season. Below is a list of reasons why:

1. He can’t jump.
2. He was mentored by Big Al Jefferson.
3. He is consistently tweeting in Turkish. It’s like, you’re in America now, at least learn a LITTLE bit of Spanish.
4. He doesn’t play great defense (see number 2).
5. His legs don’t accelerate his body high enough off the ground (see number 1).
6. He only bought three boxes of Girl Scout cookies from my booth in front of Wal Mart.
7. He is flat-footed on defense (see number 2).
8. He goes around telling everybody that there’s no way I can hit the high note in the song “Take On Me.”
9. He has limited strength in his hind quarters, causing close to zero lift (see number 1).
10. He tends to get clingy when you let him borrow your DVD copy of Spy Kids 2.

He seems like a great guy, but being a great guy sometimes loses a lot of games.

Q:  I heard Jimbo’s plan is to get Jimmer, Lucas III, and Fisher and do a barbershop quartet anthem.

– @UtahJazzTime

This isn’t really a question, but I have spent a good part of the last three hours picturing this scene in my mind. So, a BIG thank you for that.

First of all, I have no doubt in my mind that Jimmer would sing tenor. I have no idea what “tenor” sounds like, but I’d be willing to bet my Ken Griffey Jr. rookie card that Jimmer knows what tenor sounds like.

Fisher would be a nice addition to my barbershop quartet. Even though he doesn’t have any hair anymore, he maintains a well-groomed beard and that’s good enough for me to hire him as a barber…wait, we’re talking about singing here. Ugh, never mind what I said there. Let’s start over.

Derek Fisher would probably commit to singing the bass part and then right before the opening-night performance he would go off and join a more successful barbershop quartet.

Lucas would sing the highest part in the quartet. I’m not sure if he would sing like a canary, but I AM sure he would be one of those singers who holds one finger to his ear and snaps to the beat. During the performance, he would probably burp or his voice would crack, causing him to be furious with himself and consequently pick a fight with a better barbershop quartet.

So, there it is. My glorious barbershop quartet consisting of Me, Jimmer, Fisher, and Lucas. Our name would be “RT the Liar” or “Sick Beards” or “Bad Jokes” or “Wow, Is This Answer Over Yet?”

Q:  Is soliciting an RT from Steve Novak a step up, step down, or step sideways from Jimmer?

– @YuccaManHoops

First off, let me just say that Steve Novak seems like a good dude and I sure as heck don’t want to antagonize him in any way. That being said, if he refuses to acknowledge me on Twitter I swear by the staff of Protark (the villain in Gordon Hayward’s new video game) I will REFUSE to wave at him if I see him around town or take a picture with him if he sees ME around town.

I don’t even know why I ask for a retweet. I guess it’s to feel accepted or recognized, if just for a moment. I’m not trying to delude myself into thinking we are making a meaningful connection. I mean, it’s not like they’re going to read my tweet and be like, “This guy seems like he knows where he’s going in life! I’m going to invite him over on the weekends and have a sleepover on the trampoline and maybe let him try on my clothes.” But, deep down, where the real feelings are, maybe I DO think that. Maybe an RT is exactly what the (mental health) doctor ordered? Maybe after all the girls who laughed at my Hammer pants in high school will see that RT and issue a public apology. I don’t know; and maybe I’ll never know. But one thing is for sure—I’m going to find out!

Q: Why does EnergySolutions Arena smell like a mix between cotton candy, popcorn, and throw up right before you walk in?

– Bob Florburtle

Thanks for the question, Bob. By the way, are you related to the Florburtles in the Richfield area? DM me.

I TOTALLY agree with this. There is a sort of funky, sugary smell to the arena that’s both repulsive and inviting all at once. It’s like when you run into a friend you haven’t seen for eight months and it’s really great to see him, but he has a distinct cotton candy-popcorn-vomit smell to him.

As bad as it can get, that smell is also very exciting. The closer you get to the arena, the stronger it gets. It seeps into your clothes and hair. It’s the smell of Stockton’s assists and Ostertag’s french fries; Harpring’s hair gel and Hot Rod’s cognac; Okur’s achilles and Palacio’s Captain Crunch. In late October, it’s one of the best smells in the world.

Q:  How would you react if, while enjoying your Taco Bell, Mark Jackson and Derek Fisher walked in? And would Jimmer RT your reaction?

– David Smith @davidjsmith1232

Shout out to Taco Bell’s new Quesarito. It is a delicious blend of quesadilla and burrito, with only a hint of regret!

One thing’s for sure, a combination of these two and everyday Taco Bell guests would surely disintegrate into one of those good, old-fashioned Taco Bell brawls. By the time the cops arrive, there would be tortillas and shredded lettuce hanging from the ceiling. A few patrons would be unconscious and the employees would be out-of-breath and hiding in the manager’s office. A detective would arrive carrying two coffees and, while handing one to the chief, ask, “So, what do we have here?”

“Just another Taco Bell brawl,” says the chief.

“Do we know how it started?” asks the detective.

“Well it seems an argument started between a Mr. Fisher and a Mr. Jackson about who could out-assist the other and then things got loco” said the chief.

“Ha ha! Loco because we’re in Taco Bell, right? That’s so funny…hmmm…is there any surveillance footage?” the detective asks.

“Yes, there is. Mr. Fredette here caught everything on his camera phone. Mr. Fredette, would you mind showing our detective what’s on your phone?”

“Sure, just give me a sec while I RT this hilarious tweet by @jimborudding!”

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Thanks for all the questions everybody!