Jimbo’s Mailbag — Jazz Free Agent Rumors

Photo by Nathaniel S. Butler/NBAE via Getty Images

Here at Salt City Hoops, we’re occasionally accused of being too analytical. Basketball is a fun sport, they say, and we’re being too objective about it. Jumbo Rudding, on the other hand, is not analytical. He is zany. He is infamous for his out-of-left-field basketball jokes and opinions. We’re thrilled to have him contribute a mailbag each week on Salt City Hoops. Interested in submitting a question to Jimbo’s mailbag? Email it to Jimbo at mailbag@saltcityhoops.com or tweet @JimboRudding to appear.

Q: How come the Jazz haven’t signed anyone yet? Have you heard of any free agents the Jazz could potentially sign?

@Mikeyvp

Funny you should ask that, because I’ve had my ear to the grindstone lately and have heard some pretty interesting rumors. Here is a sweet list of the latest Jazz rumors:

• My sources have been telling me that there is actually a 97.5 percent chance that LeBron James signs with Utah. The word is that LeBron is VERY intrigued by the Cannibal ride finally opening at Lagoon.
• The Jazz had interest in signing Tim Duncan to a long-term deal, but they backed out once Duncan insisted on playing the power forward position and not his true position, which is center.
• Hearing DeAndre Jordan actually had interest in the Jazz. However, he couldn’t remember the capital of Utah and consequently wasn’t able to book his flight.
• There are rumors out there that David West may have interest in playing for the Jazz strictly for the love of salt-water taffy.
• Andris Biedrins hasn’t been rumored to be in contact with the Jazz, but I did recently see him loudly gawking at the dinosaur on the outside of the Thanksgiving Point museum in Lehi.
• Robin Lopez had a meeting with the Jazz, but the second he arrived, some of the Jazz higher-ups were heard saying, “Wait, this isn’t the clean-cut one. Send him back!”
• Dwyane Wade was reportedly in talks with the Jazz yesterday, but negotiations cooled once Wade found out how many middle-aged Utahns still work in their yards wearing sandals with socks.

Those are the latest rumblings. I will let you know if I hear anything else. In the meantime, I would suggest reading other more credible media personalities.

Q: If Jerry Sloan and Quin Snyder had to ride the new Cannibal ride at Lagoon until one of them puked, who would gurk first?

@artdirector_g

Wow, great question! I haven’t been to the Lagoon amusement park lately, but I hear it’s what fun is. Does it still smell like B.O.-flavored cotton candy? I also heard that the haunted houses haven’t changed in the last 50 years. There are probably cobwebs on the fake cobwebs by now.

If I were a bettin man, which I’m not ever since I played “quarters” with a couple transients behind the RC Willey outlet store, I would put all my money on Jerry Sloan in any competition. I don’t care if it’s a Barbie-dressing competition, Jerry would give it his all and most-likely win.

That being said, I still think it would be pretty fun to watch Jerry and Quin compete against one another. If Jerry Sloan started feeling queasy, he would probably start screaming expletives at his stomach until it whipped itself back in shape. On the other hand, Quin has that death stare that would also be pretty intimidating. I don’t think either one of them would barf. I think the competition would just continue until the spectators and everyone else just got bored and left.

Q: If you were planning a barbecue and had to invite eight former Jazz players, whom would you invite and how successful would that barbecue be?

@BardenPembleton

In a nutshell, not very successful at all. The reason for that is I would invite the worst former-Jazz crew I could think of and then sit back and enjoy the show from a distance.

Here is my elite-eight guest list to the most epically lame former Jazz-player barbecue of all time:

1. Jim Les – Words cannot express how lame this barbecue would be once Jim Les showed up.
2. Derek Fisher – Fisher would arrive and tell everyone that he dropped his family off at a better barbecue down the street and he is starting to really miss them. Then he would leave.
3. Mark Jackson – Jackson would be sitting in the corner of the back yard telling everyone how great the barbecue could have been if only he was the one who was in charge of the grill.
4. Robert Whaley – I don’t even want to think about what Robert would do with any unclaimed leftovers.
5. Olden Polynice – “Hold up! Officer Polynice is here! Mr. Whaley, assume the position!”
6. Greg Ostertag – Greg would be pretty chill just hangin out with everyone, but then out of nowhere he would drop his plate and silverware.
7. Carlos Boozer – Inviting Carlos wouldn’t necessarily create any drama, but it would make the barbecue louder because he would be yelling stuff like, “GET THE BUNS, MEMO!” and “GRAB THAT S&$%!” There also could be the potential of him tripping over the buns and “hearing something pop.”
8. DeShawn Stevenson – The only problem with inviting DeShawn is that legally there could be no underage girls present.

So, there you have it; the craziest barbecue involving former Utah Jazz players.

Q: Are the Utah Jazz on fleek?

@Steeleman77

What does “on fleek” even mean? I’m too old for new slang terms. I’m still trying to figure out how to use “gnarly” in a sentence so that people my age think I’m cool.

Here is a list of things I would guess “on fleek” means:

• Pretty cool
• Dangerous
• On the dresser
• Have diarrhea
• On a flight
• Open to new things
• RIP Bob Ross

That’s all I got. Sorry for being a dumb old guy who still wears pleated pants and is trying to memorize the words to Coolio’s “Gangsta’s Paradise.”

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Thanks for the questions, you guys! I hope you’re having a great summer. Stay cool!