Jimbo’s Mailbag – Jimbo’s 2016 FA Targets

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Welcome to the next edition of Jimbo’s Mailbag! At Salt City Hoops, we know that covering a team without any humor can be dreary. As such, we decided to add a little bit more levity to our site via Jimbo’s unique outlook on the world of Jazz basketball. Jimbo, by virtue of being recently featured in the Deseret News, is now the world’s most famous Utah-based basketball mailbag artist. Interested in submitting a question to Jimbo’s mailbag? Email it to Jimbo at mailbag@saltcityhoops.com or tweet @JimboRudding to appear.

Q: Now that the world thinks LeBron kills coaches, have you cooled on him? If so, who is your new 2016 target in free agency?

@SLCJuanB

No way, brother! I’m always looking for ways to entice LeBron to sign with the Utah Jazz. I know for a fact that he likes it here because last time he played the Jazz he was smiling a lot and he pointed towards the sky as if to say, “Hot dang, Salt Lake City, you’ve outdone yourself once again!” Plus, I heard rumblings that the Miller family contacted him last summer and promised to install numerous fire pits in his backyard if he promised to sign with the Jazz. At the end of the day, I guess it just wasn’t enough fire pits.

This year I’m focusing my efforts more towards Kevin Durant. Word on the street is the only teams he is willing to talk to are the Lakers, Thunder, Knicks, and Jazz. A source told me that he doesn’t think too highly of the Lakers because, and I quote, “they’re dumb.” (This quote wasn’t actually from Durant, but instead was from the source himself, my neighbor Dave. Dave hates the Lakers and is NOT a great source, so I would take this with TONS of grains of salt.)

Whatever happens in free agency, the Jazz NEED to bring in a veteran to help all these young players learn how to close out games and win in the playoffs. The only playoff experience we have on the team is being swept in four games by San Antonio. That’s scary when you take the time to really sit and think about it, which I have just done.

Q: Are you as tight with the Jazz players as you are with the Dunk Team? And Jazz Dancers? Can you hook me up?

@JazzManZach

Define “tight.” If tight means that you’ve been to dinner with a few of them and played video games at their house before, then no. If it means you’ve patted one of them on the shoulder once and frequently mutter, “What was that?!” while watching games on TV, then YES!

The Jazz Dunk Team are my bros! We’re so tight that sometimes we spend weekends just drinking Mountain Dew Code Red and thinking of some gnarly new dunk routines. I would step in front of a train for each and every one of them.

As far as Jazz dancers go, I am prohibited from inserting myself into their personal lives anymore. I’m not sure what happened. I thought they all thought of me as a fun, single, middle-aged next door neighbor. I have a feeling it was probably Britney who said something to management. She’s been hecka irritable ever since she broke up with Hayden. She recently thought I was trying to “get all up in her business” just because I was going through her backpack while she wasn’t looking. It’s like, try being a little more uptight, Brit!

Even though I can’t physically introduce you to any of the dancers, I CAN give you a little background information on the ones I think would be fun to get to know better. Here they are:

• Kenady – Kenady is adored by ALL the other Jazz dancers. They all have these cute nicknames for her, like “Jackie-O,” “John Fitzy” (as in Fitzgerald), and “Kenth.” She LOVES snacking on EL Fudges when no one’s looking and gets extremely frustrated when people try and perform the “CUPS” song incorrectly.
• Shandelle – Shandy or “Delly,” as she’s known by the other dancers, enjoys pretending she’s in a huge hurry while walking through the mall. She once told a cute guy who worked at Mr. Mac that her name was Sara as a joke, which totally cracked up a couple of friends she was with at the time. She does NOT like animals even though her dream job is to one day work in zoo management.
• Hailee – Hay has an incredibly hard time doing the splits and it almost cost her a spot on the Jazz dancers. Luckily, she was able to have inner-thigh surgery and now she can split with the best of them. One interesting tidbit about Hay—she tried out for American Idol a few years ago and ugly cried when the judges refused to let her start the song over again even after explaining that she was recovering from a really bad cold. (Try not to tell a lot of people about this; she didn’t want everybody to find out.)
• Kasey – Kase is mentally stuck in the 80’s, which is pretty incredible seeing as how she was born in 1998. She stays in shape mostly by playing with her Skip-It and dancing in her room to Paula Abdul’s “Forever Your Girl” album. She has EVERY episode of Alf recorded on VHS and is an avid member of the DARE program to keep kids off drugs. Also, she likes birds.
• Pho – Despite what you may think, Pho is NOT Asian. She was actually born in Spanish Fork to parents who just really love Vietnamese food. Pho is mostly known for her severe speech impediment and extremely unnatural-looking eyelash extensions. She was born with only four toes on her left foot and seventeen on her right, which causes her to excel at spinning. Other than that, she’s a sweetheart of a gal.
• Shezeray – Shez never wanted to be a Jazz dancer. She was a janitor at the gym where the Jazz Dancers practice and was discovered by the President of the Jazz Dancers because late one night while mopping she secretly answered a question about earrings the Jazz Dancer President had posted on a chalkboard out in the hallway. She says that once she’s done dancing, she wants to “become a molecular biologist, but only if that’s the one where you get to swim with dolphins.”
• Fran – At 72, Fran is currently the oldest Jazz dancer. She was accidentally hired this year when her résumé was taken from the usher pile and mistakenly placed in the Jazz dancer pile. When she heard she made the team, she started stretching and practicing and became pretty limber before the first Jazz Dancer practice. Once the Jazz realized their mistake, no one had the heart to tell her she had to go back to ushering. Coincidentally, there’s a TERRIBLE new usher named Candace who is supposed to be in charge of Portal B, but just stands by the portal doors staring at her phone.

I’m sorry I can’t actually introduce you to them, but I hope this list helps a little. They really are great girls. Some of them are a little quirky, but we’re all doing our best to get through this never-ending corn maze we call life.

Q: The Jazz shooting poorly and Allen Handy wearing acid wash jeans. Coincidence? Do you have some inside information on this?

@bwfanzzz and @RileyOJazz

I’ve noticed that every time Handy wears that purple and silver Jazz jacket (see last week’s Jimbo’s Mailbag for more on that jacket), the Jazz don’t play well. I don’t think he understands what he’s doing to the team when he wears it. He’s probably like, “The Jazz’s poor play has absolutely nothing to do with my jacket.” And see, that’s where you’re wrong, Allen. It has EVERYTHING to do with your jacket. In fact, it could be the jacket and jeans combo. We don’t really know because you won’t take the time to experiment with different outfit lineups!  Come on, Allen! How are we supposed to improve as a team if you refuse to accept the possibility that you’re playing a part in their downfall?

Q: Did you take my puka shell necklace again?

@Uncle_Dale

Ummmm, Uncle Dale, I told you, I stopped wearing puka shell necklaces back in 1997! If you really want to know where it is, why don’t you ask your precious son Jason? He’s ALWAYS taking stuff off of your nightstand. I told him I’d never tell you, but I’m getting sick of being blamed for his crap. By the way, that time you had to bail him out of jail after being arrested at the city library wasn’t because of “extremely overdue books.” It was because he drank three Jolt colas and wouldn’t stop climbing up all the book cases.

So, there you go. That cat’s out of the bag now. I hope you and Jason can find a way to get past this.

Q: Are you, @Mikeyvp and @SCampbellSBN ever gonna do the Utah Jazz Podcast again or is it dead? Have you ever seen Spanglish? Dope movie…

@The Sheriff003

First, I wanted Spanglish to be better than it was. I’m a fan of Adam Sandler in curly hair and serious roles, but this one didn’t do it for me. I don’t know if it was because there wasn’t enough Spanish or too much English. Whatever it was, I have a hard time accepting it as good 21^st century art.

The podcast…hmmm….Oh, you mean the first-ever, longest-running Utah Jazz podcast ever? Yeah, that was pretty great, wasn’t it?

I refuse to believe it’s dead. I’ve told Mikey and Spencer time and time again that I’m ready to cast some pods whenever they are. The problem is, jobs, kids, illness, and episodes of “My Two Dads” on YouTube get in the way sometimes. Couple that with the fact that the team isn’t winning as much anymore and you have some really poor excuses for not doing a weekly Jazz podcast.

I’m going to talk to them one more time and see if I can revive the passion. If I’m successful, you’re going to see a VERY unhappy David Locke in a month or so when we start shooting up the official podcast rankings.

Q: Who’ll be the next Jazzman to get a statue and what’ll he be doing? Would Gale allow a fan-built one made of SpaghettiOs cans?

@SpamIsDelish

The next Jazzman to get a statue will be Jerry Sloan. At least it should be. Jazz fans should count their lucky stars that Jerry stuck around as long as he did. In fact, go ahead and count your unlucky stars too. Count em! I just did and there are 1,223 of them. One for every Jazz win he coached.

I just got off the phone with the Jazz front office and they talked to Gail and she said she WOULD approve a SpaghettiO can statue, but ONLY if it’s a statue of Jim Les.

Other possible Jazz statues include:

• Hot Rod Hundley
• Larry Miller
• Jose Ortiz
• Pistol Peter
• Pink Grandmas
• Crazy doctor behind the basket
• Jordan pushing off
• Big Al’s giant bed
• Ron Boonerjack
• My Uncle Dale in a puka shell necklace scolding his son Jason
• Hall and Oates
• A giant saxophone on fire

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Thanks for the questions this week, you guys! Also, thanks for making this the most-read nonsensical Jazz mailbag on the internet! Again, remember to tell your aunts, uncles, and cousins so that they can enjoy the mailbag just as much as you just did. When you tell them, say, “Ya feel me?” a lot. Make it weird.