Jimbo’s Mailbag – Korver’s Back!

Ingles and Mitchell look almost as excited as Jimbo that Korver’s back. (Melissa Majchrzak via utahjazz.com)

Following an NBA team should be fun, and Jimbo Rudding makes sure it is. Jimbo is our resident mailbag artist at Salt City Hoops, providing our regular dose of levity as he answers questions with his signature blend of creativity, humor and unabashed fandom. You can submit questions to Jimbo at mailbag@saltcityhoops.com or by tweeting to @JimboRudding. Can I get an RT for that?

Q: What Kyle Korver have did that Alec Burks have not did?

@thebigl32

It’s not really about what Alec Burks did or didn’t do. It’s more about what he… actually no, that’s exactly what it’s about. You have to remember, though, that Alec didn’t get fired… well, in a way I guess he did. What I’m trying to say is, Alec played hard and did what he was supposed to do… just not the way Quin wanted him to do it… so in a way, I guess he DIDN’T play hard and do what he was supposed to do.

I’m confusing myself, so I’ll just go about explaining this the best way I know how–by making lists.

Here are some reasons I think the Jazz traded Alec Burks:

• He often got lost on defense.
• He would take ill-advised shots early in the shot clock.
• He didn’t cough and sneeze into his elbow like he was asked to do several times.
• His defensive game was really lacking.
• He would always ask the coaches if they could lay some cardboard down and break dance after practice.
• He wasn’t a great defender.
• He refused to pronounce the word leg and egg like “layg” and “ayg.”
• His defense wasn’t all that stellar.
• He would lick his lips a lot instead of using chap stick.
• On road trips, he would constantly ask the flight attendant if he could whisper “If you build it, he will come” on the plane’s PA system.

On the other hand, the Jazz have acquired Korver, who is a stand-up guy with phenomenal posture. Here are some reasons the Jazz wanted Korver:

• He throws the ball into the iron circle fantastically.
• Despite his age, he actually plays very good team defense.
• He’s an amazing free throw shooter.
• He FINALLY got that mole removed from his back (the one that used to make Ronnie Brewer dry heave in the locker room).
• He plays smart and doesn’t usually try to do too much.
• He’s seen every single episode of Lost and has some good theories about what the Dharma Initiative really was.
• He plays defense within the system.
• He moisturizes his face and pays particular attention to common problem areas (behind the ears, chin, eyelids, corners of the mouth, other chin, etc.).

Even though I just named reasons why the Jazz may have traded Burks, I really liked Alec. I think he did the best he knew how and really embraced the city and fan base. One of the things I really liked about him was that he didn’t complain about his role or put himself above the team. I wish him the best of luck in his NBA future.

Q: If our job performance was scrutinized so publicly, would we be any less quick to find fault and jump on the doomsday wagon?

@KingBrian83

That’s hard to say because I’ve always done an impeccable job at whatever I’ve done. At least, that’s what all the people around me say. I was considered “gifted” around age 10 when my parents noticed I was consistently understanding the humor and complex plots of every episode of Mr. Belvedere. They took me to numerous specialists who all said the same thing: “Where did you find this kid?” I was always taking electronics apart and using the parts to build intricate communication devices. When I was 12, I built a transmitter and used satellite logistics to send messages into outer space. One time my parents thought I had made contact with alien life, but it turned out to be just a lonely trucker named Trent who was driving through a remote part of Kansas.

But enough about me.

You bring up a good point though–how would we react if the general public could observe and took interest in our regular, every day jobs? Would they even want to watch me do my job? Would kids want to wear the same sensible button-downs that I wear every day to work? Would strangers love the way I do my job so much that they’d approach me while eating lunch at Sam’s Club? Would people enter drawings to win signed pairs of my penny loafers? Would kids go to SportClips and demand the “Jimbo” (a number 1 on the sides and a severely receding hairline on top).

Maybe if our job performance was publicly scrutinized, we’d all lay off the professional athletes for a change. Good question, King Brian. I’m gonna be thinking about that one for a little while.

Q: I’m pretty sure Korver makes us a championship team. Thoughts??

@mahalkasi1

Only time will tell…..but, yes, 2018-2019 NBA Champions!

Q: How do we lift the Jazz Bear Curse?

@robdelacruz

Here are the instructions to lift the curse:

1. Put on three hoodies.
2. Go to your local gym and do squats (3 sets of 10).
3. Approach the nearest gym mirror and flex.
4. Violently smack yourself on the butt at least three times (you can do more if you feel so inclined).
5. Yell, “THERE HE/SHE IS!” and point to yourself for at least 15 seconds.
6. Loudly sing the Subway 5-dollar footlong jingle until the police come and you are escorted out of the gym.
7. Drive to the neighboring town, knock on a random person’s front door and when they answer say, “I just want you to know, I’ve been to as far east as Memphis, and yours is one of the most exquisite yards I have ever seen.”
8. Drive to the nearest Red Box. Wait until someone begins to search for a movie and stand then behind them and say, “This is probably the TINIEST Hollywood Video I’ve ever seen!”
9. Eat six Lunchables in one sitting.
10. Watch Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom with an elderly relative.

If we can get at least 100 people to do this simultaneously, the Jazz Bear curse will be lifted. That’s a Jimbo Rudding guarantee you can take to the bank!

Q: …are the Jazz good?

@Slim_Smoochy

Are you kidding me right now? Get out of here with that question! Are the Jazz GOOD? Pfffft! How could you even ask that?

Hmmm, let’s see, are the Jazz good? Let me count the ways:

• They have the best rim protector in the league
• They have a budding superstar who can create his own shot
• They are collectively more handsome than in previous seasons
• They have the best three-point shooter who ever lived
• They don’t play as many video games late into the night as they were prone to do the last 4–7 years
• The strength of the team is the team, which is VERY meta
• They all pronounce etcetera the correct way, “et-cetera” and NOT “ex-cetra”
• They have Miguel, the bad guy from Crocodile Dundee 2 in charge of marketing or player interviews or something (you know the one…long flowing black hair, skinny, always walking around the court after games)
• They run a gorgeous pick n’ roll
• They have a tenacious, dedicated coach
• They’re all pretty OK with autographing a racquetball

I could go on and on, my friend. So, what do YOU think now? Are the Jazz good?

If you allow me to play devil’s advocate, they DO have a losing record at home, so I guess I can see why you asked this question. Oh, and they lost to Miami even though half of the Heat roster was either hurt or busy getting a tattoo…and then there’s that loss to Indiana by 33 points at home when the Pacers were without Victorio Diliposo, their best player. So, are the Jazz good?……I guess I really don’t know, but I’m going to do my part and really, really hope so.

Thanks for the question, Slim!

Q: Nicknames like “The Stifle Tower” come from a players abilities on the court. BTW, I’m liking the “Splash Dads”. Anyway, I know you’ve got sources… what are some of the off-court nicknames we fans need to be more aware of?

@BrentDRoper

I, for one, am a fan of Splash Dads. Maybe if both Korver and Ingles dunk in a game we could call them “Dunkin Uncles?” Ha ha……… on second thought, maybe let’s just forget I even suggested that. Actually, the more I’m thinking about it, the more embarrassed I’m getting. OK, please DO NOT tell anyone I said Dunkin Uncles would be a good nickname. My reputation around town is already suffering after some neighborhood kids caught me dancing to a Paul Abdul song behind the maintenance shed at the HOA park. So, I don’t need this too.

I grew up using nicknames. It was just something my family always did.  For instance, my grandpa used to call me “poop for brains” until I was 27 years old. I know it sounds pretty mean, but in reality, grandpa called me that because when I was nine I won a blue ribbon at the science fair for my project about how manure is used as fertilizer. So, really, that nickname was a compliment.

I took a few minutes to  come up with a cool nickname for every Jazz player. I think it could be fun if one or two of them stuck.

• Derrick Favors – Grinnin’ George
• Rudy Gobert – Ichabod
• Ricky Rubio – Kirkland Slacks
• Donovan Mitchell – D.A.R.Y.L.
• Joe Ingles – Saucy Aussie
• Royce O’Neale – Lil’ Shaq
• Dante Exum – Quick Quack
• Raul Neto – Mucho Gusto
• Kyle Korver – El Guapo
• Grayson Allen – Bad guy from Encino Man
• Thabo Sefolosha – Pee Wee German
• Georges Niang – Ninja Gaiden
• Ekpe Udoh – Shifty
• Tony Bradley – Girbaud

Q: Is Ben Simmons going to win ‘Rookie of the Year’ this year?

@kelzz_ut

I really think he has a legitimate shot. I mean, he’s averaging close to 34 assists per minute, or something like that. Those numbers are unreal! No, like, they’re not real. I just made them up.

But in all seriousness, if Simmons doesn’t win Rookie of the Year, he should at least have a good shot to win the Final Four in March. Maybe even join a quick AAU tournament and win an award there too? I don’t know, it’s too early to tell.

Q: Where was AK this week when KK was interviewing KK?

@A1ex_32

Ha ha, good question. My guess is Andrei Kirilenko was either reading a Russian spy novel or taking inventory in the back room of Fleur de Lis.

Thanks for the questions, you guys! Remember to tell all your relatives about Jimbo’s Mailbag. Maybe do it while eating a sleeve of Oreos with your mouth open. Make it weird.