Jimbo’s Mailbag – NBA Draft Rumblings

From Wikipedia.org

Welcome to the next edition of Jimbo’s Mailbag! At Salt City Hoops, we know that covering a team without any humor can be dreary. As such, we decided to add a little bit more levity to our site via Jimbo’s unique outlook on the world of Jazz basketball. Jimbo, by virtue of being recently featured in the Deseret News, is now the world’s most famous Utah-based basketball mailbag artist. Interested in submitting a question to Jimbo’s mailbag? Email it to Jimbo at mailbag@saltcityhoops.com or tweet @JimboRudding to appear.

Q: Leading up to the draft I imagine you hear a lot of rumblings going around. Care to share?

@erushton99

You know me, I’m always willing to share my rumblings. In fact, some would say I share my rumblings too much. Like, when people are walking behind me at the mall. (I know what you’re thinking, but don’t misunderstand me—I like to turn around and share rumors I’ve heard with people walking behind me. That’s it.)

As you may know, I have sources who work closely with the Jazz front office. These sources have been invaluable in my journey to becoming the first one to know things and the one who gets to tell everyone else. For the first time ever, I’m going to reveal the identity on one of my sources close to the front office. His name is Stan. He is a 56 year old sweetheart of a man who is in charge of replacing the community water bottles in the entire Vivnit Energy Smart Solutions Home Center Arena.

Stan said that while he was replacing a water bottle in one of the main conference rooms at the Zion’s Basketball Center he began sifting through some papers on the table and came across a list of potential European players in the draft. He didn’t recognize the names, but from what he could tell the list contained players who may be those “under the radar” types that other teams aren’t paying attention to or don’t know about.

Stan made a quick copy of the list and said he would give it to me if I promised to buy him Zootopia on Blu-ray and let he and his kids jump on my trampoline once a week. I thought that was a pretty good deal, so I accepted. Later, when we went to go buy the Zootopia, he saw Grease 2 in the Wal-Mart $5 DVD bin and made me buy that for him too. I was cool with it, though.

Anyway, here is the list that he took off the conference room table:

• Linkavitch Chomofsky­ (6’13” 244 lbs. from Estonia) – Good all-around game. His body has minor frostbite damage from a terrible winter storm many years ago. Poor dental hygiene, but otherwise in pretty good shape. Loves American Slurpees.
• Sandro Valencia (5’10” 180 lbs. from Spain) – Sandro has only been playing basketball for three years. Doesn’t know what the “hoop” is and doesn’t want to learn. Runs very fast. Has a man-bun that is constantly getting caught in the net. Believes in ghosts.
• Igor Tunic (4’8” 112 lbs. from Czech Republic) – Igor is short, but he is an extraordinary dribbler. Needs to improve his overall strength. Refuses to wear the right size shorts so it always looks like he’s playing in Hammer pants. Doesn’t like going outside. Is scared of most birds.
• Ivan Drago (7’8” 280 lbs. from Russia) – Very tall and VERY strong. Pretty good shooter. Has great footwork. Defense needs to improve. Has a flat-top haircut and doesn’t speak much.
• Isabel Simone (5’6” 115 lbs. from Italy) – Isabel is a girl, but she may have the best basketball IQ of anyone on earth. Aced the basketball section of the ACT and SAT tests. Thinks the Beatles were just “okay” and is NOT a fan of mustard.
• Gront Freomeccio (6’7” 336 lbs. from Greece) – Gront was on crutches until he was seven years old, but his mother insists that it was only because he found the crutches next to a dumpster one day and liked the attention everyone gave him while using them. Was born with inverted knees and an extra thumb on his right hand that was removed in 1996.
• Rabbaj Ludba Meerak (7’5” 250 lbs. from Saudi Arabia) – Very tall and very skilled, but has a problem controlling his temper. He spent a night in jail a few years ago for throwing a basketball at a UPS truck. Complains about being tired a lot. Is a fan of Cher’s looks but not her music. Has never tried pizza.

I hope I don’t get in trouble for sharing this information. I just feel like fans deserve to know, you know?

Q: What are the Jazz planning to do with the arena improvements?

@artdirector_g

I don’t know about you, but I am SO excited for the arena modifications! Not that I don’t appreciate the Delta Vivint Smart Solution Arena the way it is. I mean, it’s served us well and held up very nicely, but it’s also 25 years old. That’s the equivalent of 113 dog years, which is a VERY long time for a dog to be alive let alone a place where we gather to watch giants play basketball still be standing.

That means that if the arena were a person, it’d be graduated from college and a full-fledged architect perfectly qualified to start designing its new self. Now that’s amazing!

As far as what the Jazz are planning to do with the arena–I’m going to share with you some inside information that I have just received from one of my other sources. That’s right, for only the second time ever I’m going to reveal the identity of one of my sources. He’s my nephew Teagan. He is 18 years old and works in the concession stand near portal H.

T-dog recently gave me some valuable insight into what the Jazz might do to improve the game-experience for all Jazz fans. He said he’s recently heard guys in suits who like to hang out near portal H talking about the renovations and how “sick” they’re going to be. Teagan said it was pretty embarrassing listening to them try and use teenager slang, but everything they said about the arena sounded legitimate.

Why do I trust Teagan? Because he’s a good kid and a good listener. He very patiently sits and listens when I go on my tangents about how the moon landing was a hoax because the human brain is incapable of understanding that kind of math or how squirrels have really good memories…but that’s a whole different mailbag.

Anyway, here’s the list of things the Jazz are planning for the arena:

• New nacho cheese dispensers with wider, smart nozzles.
• A new kid’s area in the southwest corner that they’ll call “The Small Easy.” This will be a loving tribute to the birthplace of jazz–New Orleans, Louisiana. It will have bounce houses, mini Mardi Gras parades, blow-up musical instruments, non-alcoholic beer tastings, and a giant pit of sequins and glitter.
• There will be a virtual experience area where you can wear special virtual reality glasses and it’ll be like you’re a player on the floor during the 1994 playoffs. WARNING: This virtual experience contains a segment where you will be viciously yelled at by Coach Sloan. Discretion is extremely advised. It is NOT for the faint of heart, elderly, or women who are pregnant.
• They’re working on building a separate watching area in the arena with numerous big screen TVs. Casual fans will then be encouraged to watch the game on the big screens and donate their lower-bowl tickets to poverty stricken youths who promise to be extra loud and obnoxious.
• There will be a booth in the arena where you will be able to try on former player’s uniforms. Kids and adults alike will be able to try on Mark Eaton’s shoes, John Stockton’s warm-up jacket, Pete Maravich’s socks, Karl Malone’s wristbands, Kirilenko’s jersey, Jim Les’ horribleness, Kirk Snyder’s guns, DeShawn Stevenson’s tattoos, Frank Layden’s old belt, or even Olden Polynice’s sheriff badge.
• The Jazz are working with officials at Hogle Zoo to eventually replace the Jazz Bear with a real grizzly bear. Obviously fan safety is the Jazz’s number one priority and every precaution will be taken to ensure that no one is put in harm’s way. The new bear will be sedated (although not heavily) and somewhat controlled with raw meat and a dozen bear experts, each carrying a bow staff.

Q: Any truth to the rumors on christiantoday.com that the Lakers will trade D’Angelo Russell to the Jazz for Gordon Hayward and David Favors?

@footeperu

First of all, they called him “David” Favors, so this seems like a legitimate website. One that has credible writers who have done intense research and proofreading. It’s cool, we all make mistakes I guess.

To answer the question–I’m sure the Lakers would be fine with that trade. And why not? Back in 2008 they traded Kwame Brown, Aaron McKie and a few of Magic Johnson’s old knee pads for Pau Gasol, which resulted in a couple of championships. So, it makes sense that the Lakers can decide to deal another crappy player for the two best players on a small-market team. After all, the NBA needs the Lakers to be good or else it is in real danger of going bankrupt.

(I hope the sarcasm is coming through on this one. Sometimes tone gets lost in wording even though I was laying it on pretty thick.)

Q: With the draft I can’t decide if I should study team roosters or rosters. Which is it? Spelling always gets me in trouble.

@JimmerFrodette

I know what you mean. Speling and righting is tuff stough.

Don’t study team roosters; they abolished those back in 1963 when Red Halleburger’s eye was pecked out during a practice. It was an unfortunate tragedy because Red was projected to be a dead-eye shooter…(Mic drop. Mailbag’s done. Everybody go home!…OK, don’t. Keep reading.)

If you want to be totally prepared for the draft, do what I do and follow these nine simple steps:

1. Wait until three days before the NBA draft and then watch a few highlight videos of players projected to go in the top 10.
2. Tell your friends and acquaintances that you have done extensive research and you know who the Jazz should take.
3. Decide one or two that you KNOW will be instant superstars.
4. Pray that the Jazz will find a way to trade up just a few spots higher.
5. Nervously eat a TON of Styrofoam cups full of M&M’s and then the Styrofoam cups.
6. When the guy you had your heart set on is drafted before the Jazz’es’s turn, yell at the TV or the closest human/animal to you.
7. Say, “Well, there goes our chance at a championship!”
8. When the Jazz make their pick, become instantly disappointed and say things like, “Who’s THIS clown?!” and “This guy will be lucky to get playing time!”
9. Calm down a little and convince yourself that he’ll become a great shooter or the next Michael Jordan or maybe you’ll bump into him at Walgreens one day and he’ll want to go out for tacos every once in a while just to talk.

Q: How are the Catvalia rehearsals coming along?

@Cheif_Baconator

Q: If I tweet at you, can I get free tickets to Catvalia?

@DurrantMark

Man, word is spreading rapidly about my new amazing cat show Catvalia. It’s actually the MOST amazing show and I appreciate everyone checking in and asking for updates.

Here’s the skinny—my cats aren’t quite ready for the big stage yet. It’s been almost four days since I started training them and things aren’t going the way I had hoped they would. It doesn’t matter how much licorice I give them, I’m only able to get one of the 74 cats I own to do a back flip, and that was with me helping a LOT.

To make matters worse, Sparkles and Gubers have some sort of stomach problem and aren’t allowed on the mini-trampoline anymore; three of the younger cats have developed some sort of leg problem that causes them to limp and it just doesn’t quite want to heal; Sammy and Worcheshire have PTSD from last July 4^th when the kid next door tied a few of those ground blooming flowers to their tails; and Marbles, Fred Astaire, Hickey, and Cheech all refuse to participate in the show–they are SO over it.

I’m not one to get discouraged, though. I promised tens of people an amazing show and come heaven or low water, Catvalia will go on as planned by October.

Q: Who are your top ten least attractive NBA players of all time?

@TheBang99

This is a hard question to answer because I’m not really attracted to any of them. I mean, some of them I guess I wouldn’t mind holding hands with if we were both lonely and the Titanic soundtrack was playing or something, but other than that I don’t really pay any attention to looks at all.

But if I was forced to compile a list, then I’d probably have Jim Les be at least eight of the ten.

Thanks again for all the questions, you guys! Remember to tell the park rangers at the entrance booths to all the National Parks about Jimbo’s Mailbag. After every sentence, start rubbing your temples and then say, “Ugh, this headache!” Make it weird.