Jimbo’s Mailbag – Plans for Opening Night

Photo by Melissa Majchrzak/NBAE via Getty Images

Q: Do you have any inside information about new shenanigans the Jazz are planning for opening night at the ESA against the Trailblazers?

@artdirector_g

Interesting that you should ask this question because I just got back from a meeting with my Jazz insiders and here is what I found out:

• Apparently the first 1,000 fans to arrive will receive a free massage. It has to be quick shoulder massage though because they need to keep the line moving.
• During the first timeout they are going to recognize George Bedier, who was the first ever New Orleans Jazz season ticket holder. George is 93 years old and hasn’t been outside of Louisiana since Kennedy was president. He also is known to get extremely feisty in crowds, so it should be an interesting night.
• At halftime they are going to ask that everyone in the upper bowl wearing Old Navy jeans stand up. A Jazz employee will then select a handful of lucky ones to stand in the lower-bowl handicapped section for the third quarter.
• I’m not sure who thought this would be a good idea, but during a few timeouts, Therm (the Questar Gas guy) will somehow be harnessed to the Deseret News blimp and will be flown around the arena tossing out coupons for free water heater assessments.
• Every time a Jazz player makes a three pointer, a loud siren will go off and Dan Roberts will scream, “BEES FOR THREES!” at which point 50 bees will be released into the visiting team’s locker room. Ron Boone will then announce on the radio, “That’s another 50 bees released into the locker room brought to you by our friends at Ken’s Bees on Redwood Road!”
• If the crowd unanimously decides that the referees have made a bad call during the game, the fans will be given the option of leaving at that exact moment and getting vouchers for a 2016 Salt Lake Bees game.
• They will hold a beatboxing competition during the third timeout of the game. They will try to get through as many beatboxers as possible in the allotted time. Please be respectful to all beatboxers and no shoving or cutting in line.
• The new Jazz slogan for the year will be “AIM HIGH” and posters with this slogan will be hung above every single urinal in the arena.
• If the Jazz win the game, a chocolate mint will be given to everyone as they leave the arena.

That’s all the information I have at this moment. I’m hearing the Jazz have a lot of other fun things planned for the rest of the season. I will let you know more about their plans as soon as I find out the details.

Q: What Hogwarts house would Trevor Booker be in?

@jboz92

I am terribly sorry, but I am unfamiliar with Harry Porter. I mean, I DO know that Hogwarts is the school that Harry attended, but that is about the extent of my Parry Hotter knowledge. Well, I guess that’s not true. I also know that he is a wizard, got a lightning bolt tattoo after a particularly hard week of school, has a red-headed friend, and fights an old guy whose name should not be uttered. There you go; that’s is literally the extent of my Herry Parter knowledge¹.

I WILL say that I LOVE Trev-babe’s game and he is welcome in my home anytime he pleases. In fact, it would be totally cool if he wanted to bring over his sleeping bag and sleep out on the trampoline with us sometime. Also, if we have a pretty warm fall I think it would be fun to have him bring his swimming trunks over and we can put the sprinkler under the tramp and maybe roast a few hot dogs or something. I don’t know — just an idea.

Q: What’s to keep the Jazz from a 17-20 man roster? Since when did the league pay attention to goings on in SLC? Worth a shot?

@SpamIsDelish

I totally agree with your point of view here. It’s like, we’re just little ol’ Utah. We don’t drink, text while driving, or stay up late on school nights. There’s no possible way the league would find out if we had a few too many players on our roster. Plus, if we DO get caught we could just explain that we didn’t know there was a limit or we felt horrible about cutting guys or most of our front office and coaching staff have glaucoma.

Just like N’ Sync taught us back in the late 90’s, it’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday and yesterday we had to say goodbye to Jack Cooley and JJ O’Brien². I especially had a hard time with Jack Cooley being cut. Even though I’ve never met him before, he was like a brother to me. A brother that I never met and only saw do one thing on TV every once in a while. All that being said, he seems like a pretty down-to-earth dude; a guy who wouldn’t be upset if after inviting him over to watch a football game we had to wait for Swiss Family Robinson to end and my kids to go play outside so that my friends and I can finally have the TV for once!

You can’t feel too bad for the players getting cut. Most of them make 20 times what the average human makes and if their garbage disposal breaks they can afford to hire a professional to quickly install a top-of-the-line one in minutes instead of spending two weeks yourself trying to jam a cheap one that isn’t even the correct size underneath your sink. Plus, they always get to play in exotic places like Spain, Italy, and New Brunswick.

Q: Just thought you’d like to know that my neighbor, Ricky Butler says the Utah Jazz will go all the way this year!

@Bulkles

Oh, Ricky Butlers says…

*****First person to tweet me and tell me what movie Ricky Butler is in gets an RT*****

I don’t know about going all the way, but I’m standing by my prediction of the seventh seed in the West. However, my prediction hinges on everyone staying remotely healthy all year long. The only thing that makes me even a little bit nervous is the point guard situation. If Neto isn’t close to what he was in the first game of the preseason, I could see Coach Snyder going with a no-point-guard lineup for the majority of games.

So maybe you should tell your neighbor Ricky Butler to just keep painting his house and partying with the pizza dude and not worry so much about a championship this year. Be patient. It will come.

Did they ever find Walter?

Q: If you had to pick one player on the Jazz who could potentially come out of nowhere and be an all-star this year, who would it be?

@Steeleman77

Great question! I’m guessing by “come out of nowhere” you’re throwing out Gobert, Hayward, Burks and Favors from the mix of potentials.

If that’s the case, then the answer is Rodney Hood. The Prince of Threes became my favorite player on the team when he didn’t back down from Kobe last week. I love his dribble-drive game and his shooting is just going to get better. I wouldn’t be surprised to see he and Hayward share the responsibilities of being the go-to guy when the Jazz need a bucket down the stretch of close games. In short, I just love the way he plays, which is the right way — the exact opposite of the way Jim Les used to play.

He is a quick terrific, radiant, and humble. Just like Charlotte said he’d be.

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Thanks for the questions this week, you guys! I apologize to all of you who read the mailbag and think to yourself, “I don’t get this guy.” It’s totally fine. I’ll try harder. Go Jazz!