Jimbo’s Mailbag – Potential Jazz Draft Picks

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Following an NBA team should be fun, and Jimbo Rudding makes sure it is. Jimbo is our resident mailbag artist at Salt City Hoops, providing our regular dose of levity as he answers questions with his signature blend of creativity, humor and unabashed fandom. You can submit questions to Jimbo at mailbag@saltcityhoops.com or by tweeting to @JimboRudding. Can I get an RT for that?

Q: What are the Jazz gonna do in the draft?

@everyone

Good question, everyone! I’m going to take some time here and go through a few possible Jazz draft picks and explain all their tangibles, intangibles, and other fun facts about each one. It’s guaranteed to be both informative and confusing, so let’s check it out, shall we?

KZ Okinawa – 6-8, 215, SG/SF – Stansbury

Tangibles:

• Can dribble while reciting the Preamble to the Constitution
• Has a quick first step, an OK second step, and a pretty mediocre third step
• Always passes with both hands
• Jumps about as high as you’d expect for a kid his age/size

Intangibles:

• First name is pronounced “kezzzzzz”
• Once met Fred Savage at a Baskin Robbins
• Can throw a Chipotle burrito 75 yards in a perfect spiral
• Has two aunt Rachels
• Threw up on the last day of fourth grade
• Has never seen a VCR
• Thought hump day was Thursday until last year

Favorite color:  Beige   

Favorite food:  Dinner in a pumpkin  

Favorite office supply:  Post-it Notes

Favorite song:  “Heaven” by Warrant

Seen Titanic?:  No, but would like to if someone has the DVD they could lend him.

Clark Brandone – 6-8, 211, PF – Garzonas

Tangibles:

• Has seen the Harlem Globetrotters perform four times and took notes each time
• Shoots 500 three pointers a day in a gym
• Shoots 100 three pointers a day on a Nerf hoop in his room
• Says he plays defense “like a hyperactive pre-teen who drank three Red Bulls and was just told he won a new Playstation 5.”  

Intangibles:

• Doesn’t like olives
• Knows how to fix almost any printer
• Owns over 70 Aerobies
• Can’t stand it when picture frames aren’t level
• Once swallowed a guitar pick on a dare
• Loves to have his back tickled
• Threw up while riding a go cart
• Gets visibly angry during the claymation part of “Better Off Dead”

Favorite color:  Tan

Favorite food:  Beets

Favorite office supply:  Thumbtacks

Favorite song: “High Enough” by Damn Yankees

Seen Titanic?:  Yes, but only once.

Adrenaline Shmofeld – 6-5, 242, PF – Thessolonia State

Tangibles:

• Started walking at 8 months
• Takes his basketball on every first date and insists that it “sits” up front
• Has a standing reach of the high cupboard where women usually keep the crock pot
• Has a nose for the basketball and cauliflower ears from the wrestling 

Intangibles:

• Big flirt
• Was once kicked out of a mall eatery for eating too many of the samples
• Is a stickler for table manners and meal etiquette
• Had his first kiss in an Arby’s bathroom
• Had an intense crush on Vanna White for most of his childhood
• Plays the accordion, but only for girls
• Threw up at Universal Studios when he was 9
• Huge fan of Cheap Trick

Favorite color:  Chestnut

Favorite food:  A dish that his grandma used to make that he can’t remember the name of

Favorite office supply:  Binders

Favorite song: “The Flame” by Cheap Trick

Seen Titanic?:  No. He doesn’t like boats.

Kelvin Potter Sr. – 6-6, 208, SG/SF – Northern California Tech

 Tangibles:

• Was born with an extra thumb
• Screams while dribbling
• Plays with a penny in each shoe for good luck
• Lead his backyard court in steals for almost three years

Intangibles:

• Cried when Mrs. Garrett from the Facts of Life died
• Worked at Radio Shack for a summer
• Is always Toad when playing Mario Kart
• Had a dream once where he won a game of Twister inside of a Taco Bell and they made him the manager
• Threw up at Legoland
• Thought he saw a ghost in the woods when he was 12 that ended up being just a white garbage bag stuck in a tree
• Voted for Kelly Clarkson on American Idol over 3,000 times

Favorite color:  yellow/brown

Favorite food:  Tuna

Favorite office supply:  Paperclips

Favorite song: “I’ll Be There For You” by Jon Bon Jovi

Seen Titanic?:  Yes, and he’s a huge fan of Captain Smith.

Devon Breezler – 6-8, 196, SG/SF – Belfast

Tangibles:

• Always keeps his eye on the ball
• Gives 111% and leaves most of it on the court
• His nickname is “Charlie Hustle” because he has so much energy and also his middle name is “Hustle”
• He has double-jointed elbows and is ambidextrous and is often seen dribbling and eating nachos at the same time

Intangibles:

• Still owns an iPod Classic
• Can play “Stairway to Heaven” on the harmonica
• Is cool going anywhere to eat except for that one Thai place
• Sleepwalks at least three times a week and once woke up in some kid’s treehouse 13 miles away
• Threw up at Mount Rushmore
• Is excellent at fractions
• Does origami under the cape during his haircuts

Favorite color:  Desert Sand

Favorite food:  Costco rotisserie chicken

Favorite office supply:  Tape

Favorite song: “Fly To The Angels” by Slaughter

Seen Titanic?:  Not yet, but it’s on his list.

Thanks for reading Jimbo’s Mailbag! Remember to tell your fathers about the mailbag this weekend. Tell him about it in your Father’s Day card. Make it weird.