Jimbo’s Mailbag – Utah Jazz Superpowers

Melissa Majchrzak via utahjazz.com

You know the drill by now. Jimbo Rudding is our resident mailbag expert, bringing answers to all of the online Jazz community’s most burning questions with his trademark dose of levity. It’s April now, so Jimbo is rounding into playoff form. Which is… scary. You can submit questions to Jimbo at mailbag@saltcityhoops.com or by tweeting to @JimboRudding.

Q: If you had superpowers, how would you use them to help the Jazz win a championship?

@Steeleman77

Great question Steeleman!…or should I call you “Man of Steele?” Ha ha, see how that worked? You asked about superpowers, and I threw it back at you by calling you the “Man of Steel,” but it’s a play on words because your name is Steele… You know what? Never mind.

I, like many Jazz fans, would do almost anything if it meant the Jazz would win an NBA championship. But winning an NBA title is easier said than done. Like, WAY easier said than done. It takes like four seconds to say it, but could take maybe four decades (or longer) to win it. Those are just the facts.

First, let me set five ground rules for myself and my superpowers:

1. I am not allowed to hurt another player or coach.
2. I am not allowed to use my powers to manipulate the ball in any way.
3. I am not allowed to cause anyone to fall in love with me.
4. No one should ever be able to surmise that I’m using superpowers to help the Jazz.
5. Last, but not least, no wishing for more superpowers.

OK, so now that the rules are set, here’s how I would use superpowers to help the Jazz win a championship:

• Anytime Steph Curry goes to shoot the ball, I’d cause a gnat to fly up his nose.
• I’d fly around the world really fast and cause the earth to spin back to 1998 and then run onto the court right before Jordan pushes off so that they have to stop the game and replay the last 7-10 seconds.
• I’d randomly cause the opposing team’s shorts to suddenly lose elasticity during important parts of games.
• I would somehow make the opposing players walk underneath a giant ladder and cross a black cat’s path while entering the court.
• Every opposing player will complain that the arena smells like a garbage bag full of dirty diapers, but it’s not the arena. It’s their own breath.
• I’d fly around the world really fast and cause the earth to spin back to 2011 so the Jazz can draft Kawhi Leonard.
• I’d cause the opposing team’s best player to have a really annoying tickle in their throat that won’t go away no matter how much they cough.
• I’d cause the opposing coach’s voice to sound like Dora the Explorer’s voice during timeouts and TV interviews.
• Every time the opposing team opened their mouths to complain to the refs, I’d cause them to burp instead.
• I’d make the Utah Jazz uniforms sparkle, causing a mild distraction.
• Every opposing player would have a hard time concentrating on the game because they’re wondering how a half-eaten egg roll ended up in their shoe.
• The pregame music in the opposing locker room–U2’s “Sweetest Thing” on repeat.

Q: Which members of the 94-95 Houston Rockets could you beat up in a street fight?

@MarinersSea

If you’re asking which ones COULD I beat up, then that answer is simple—all of them. If you’re asking which ones WOULD I beat up, that answer is also simple—all of them.

OK, that’s not true. As you probably all know, I’m a lover, not a fighter. Except that I’m not really a lover either. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’m just an easy-going guy who likes to eat chips.

However, if I ever find myself in a predicament where I absolutely NEED to fight for love, then I’d be willing to fight literally anyone (smaller than me), anywhere (in a room with lots of pillows and foam padding), anytime (at least an hour after I’ve eaten).

That being said, I’m gonna answer your question by choosing Vernon Maxwell. Ole Vern’s not a fan of the Jazz or Utah and he looks like he could use a good beating. Not by me, of course, but by a large, trained fighter who is paid handsomely and willing to teach him a lesson. I don’t want to severely injure the guy, but I DO want him to know that when you mess with Utahns, you get the horns, you know? So, I’d probably tell the guy I’ve hired to beat up Vern to mainly just keep it to open-hand slaps and noogies.

Let me be clear–I do NOT condone violence of ANY kind and would NEVER hire someone to beat up a member of the 1994-1995 Houston Rockets…except for maybe Sam Cassell, THAT guy deserves a few nights in the hospital! Never say never, I guess.

Q: Let’s say I want to start my own whisper campaign. Who would I whisper to first and how do I keep from getting slapped?

@SpamIsDelish

Good question. Whispers are tricky. They’re a small step above rumblings (and you know how I feel about rumblings). You always want to use them with discretion. Whisper cautiously, my friend.

That’s really all I have to say about that, so I’ll now tell you about the time I saw two women fight at a Kenny Rogers Roasters. Basically it went like this:

I was eating my chicken, just minding my own business, when I heard a woman scream, “WELL, MAYBE CHAD DOESN’T LOVE YOU ANYMORE! YOU EVER THOUGHT OF THAT!?!?” The other lady retaliated by grabbing a handful of mustard packets from the condiment table and throwing them at the other woman (one missed and hit me in the leg).

A man eating with his family in the corner yelled, “HEY!” but it was too late. The two women charged at each other, each grabbing a handful of the other’s hair and slapping blindly with their other hand. The guy behind the counter yelled, “TAKE IT OUTSIDE!” and the guy in the corner yelled, “HEY!” again, but the ladies kept at it.

They bumped into my table a couple of times and almost spilled my drink, which I wasn’t thrilled about, but there was no way I was getting involved. The guy behind the counter yelled, “I’M CALLING THE COPS!” and just then Chad entered the restaurant and started yelling, “PRISCILLA! PRISCILLA, IT AIN’T WORTH IT!”

Chad inserted himself in the melee to try and break it up and the three tussled for a minute. By this time I had one hand on my plate and the other on my drink, because I was NOT letting this fight ruin my lunch!

Finally, the one who I presumed was Priscilla was able to break free from the other woman’s clutches. Chad grabbed Priscilla by the waist and tried escorting her out of the Kenny Rogers Roasters, but Priscilla was struggling to break free of his grasp while yelling “HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW?” over and over again (which at the moment sounded lame, but after thinking about it, I don’t blame her because it was a common phrase back then and probably seemed like the right thing to say in that adrenaline-filled moment.)

The other woman was on her knees and half-crying, but found a mustard packet on the ground next to her so she threw it at Chad and Priscilla as they were leaving.

After they left, the family in the corner, the guy behind the counter, and I just stared silently at the woman on the ground and it was then that I noticed she had a small patch of hair missing on the top of her head.

I asked her if she was OK, but she didn’t answer. She just sat there on the ground crying and panting. Another 30 seconds went by and then she slowly stood up and walked over to the condiment table. The guy behind the counter softly said, “Can I call someone for you?” but then she turned around and threw another handful of mustard packets towards the counter and gave us all one more giant scream before leaving the restaurant.

And that’s the last time I ate at a Kenny Rogers Roasters.

Q: Classic Skating is a Utah staple. What other Utah staples keep Hayward with the Jazz?

@erushton99

That it is, Rushton. That it is.

In a perfect world, all we’d have to do to attract, and keep, free agents is take them for a hike in the mountains, get them a bag of salt water taffy, and then allow them to cool off at one of our many luxurious splash pads.

However, every time I remember that there isn’t a Fuddruckers in Utah anymore or I notice my neighbor parks his truck on his lawn, I am reminded that this world is FAR from perfect. Unfortunately, that means we as Utahns need to find new and creative ways to keep our Jazz players in Utah, like starting a GoFundMe page for a “STAYWARD” billboard (which I think was an awesome idea).

I’ve created a list of Utah staples that could potentially catch the eye of Hayward specifically, but also any professional basketball player. Here we go:

• Our many efficient Jiffy Lubes.
• Fry sauce (with or without relish).
• That really cool “ball tree” sculpture in the salt flats.
• Ground-level trampolines.
• Our many MLM opportunities.
• Our newly renovated mall eateries.
• Literally EVERY Utah cashier you meet genuinely hopes you have a good weekend.
• Our many convenient Dairy Queen locations.
• Our stylish and comfortable LuLaRoe leggings.
• Our VERY clean La Quinta Inns & Suites.
• Our giant zucchinis.
• Our firm handshakes.

Q: Junk kicking is sooooo 2016. What does Draymond come up with this playoffs? Titty twisters?

@Mare_Bear_Baum

This is one of the most scandalous questions I have ever received since I started writing this mailbag. Well done, Maren!

I WILL say this–if Draymond Green wins the Defensive Player of the Year award over Rudy Gobert, I swear I am going to…think about doing something drastic, but then not even come close to doing it because I’m a very conservative and rational thinker. But I will be a tad bit angry about it for at least 10 to 15 minutes!

Why does all that have to be part of Draymond Green’s game? Why can’t he just play basketball and go home? You don’t see Rudy kicking and twisting and punching and twerking. Rudy just plays hard and isn’t afraid of anyone. He doesn’t need all those extracurriculars. He has already graduated from the school of hard blocks.

Thanks for the questions, you guys! Remember to tell all your friends on Facebook about Jimbo’s Mailbag. Maybe when they post a picture of their baby, leave this comment: “Oh no, what happened?!?! …hey, have you heard of Jimbo’s Mailbag?” Make it weird.