Jimbo’s Mailbag – What I’d Do for a Jazz Championship

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Q: Give me a list of things you would do if it would guarantee a Utah Jazz NBA championship?

@SCampbellSBN

I LOVE this question. In fact, if I love this question so much that I would leave a bunch of grapes on its front porch with a sign that said, “I would be ‘grapeful’ if you would go out with me.”

During my lifetime, I’ve spent more hours thinking about answers to this question than is probably healthy. Alas, here is a list of things I would do if it guaranteed a Jazz championship:

1. I would allow half of my left pinkie to be amputated.
2. I would eat a raisin (just one).
3. I would become a vegetarian for a year.
4. I would allow Mike Tyson to smack me around for 20 minutes (open hand slaps only).
5. I would watch the Lord of the Rings, Narnia, and all the Harry Potter movies in one sitting.
6. I would go to Comic Con.
7. I would eat my own shirt (of my choosing).
8. I would become Super Dell Schanze’s political campaign manager.
9. I would call every person that signed my yearbook in high school and tell them I stayed cool.
10. I would make out with Angela Lansbury for three minutes.
11. I would jump on a trampoline wearing a kilt at my family reunion.
12. I would jump in the ring at an MMA fight and take a couple swings at both fighters.
13. I would wear a Broncos jersey to a Raiders game.
14. I would be a Laker fan for a year.
15. I would get at least eight hours of sleep a night for a year.

Q: Have you ever interviewed a Jazz player?

@Steeleman77

Have I? No. Have I had a dream that I interviewed a Jazz player? YES! Back in 2008 I had an incredibly vivid dream that I interviewed Deron Williams. I was SO nervous because he was the best point guard in the league and had a reputation of being surly with the media. But I was comforted in knowing that we were both young and we had so much in common. For instance, he had a “No guts, no glory” tattoo and I had seen EVERY single Rambo movie.

He wasn’t thrilled about being interviewed, but he was cordial and I appreciated that. Even when it looked like I would succumb to my nervousness, he still remained calm and answered all my questions. So, without further adeaiuxeou, here is the interview:

Me:  Hi Deron, how are you?

Deron Williams:  Good, thanks.

Me:  Thanks for allowing me this interview?

DW:  No problem.

Me:  So… how has the season been so far?

DW:  Well, we let a few slip away that we should have won, but you just have to forget about those and play the next one. The good thing about the NBA is, tomorrow you have another game.

Me:  Do you like living in Utah?

DW:  Sure, it’s great. I’m not a fan of the weather, but it’s nice here.

(This is about where I start realizing that I’m interviewing a real life Jazz player and I begin to show my nervousness in the questions I ask.)

Me:  Umm… did you know that Matt Harpring played High School football?

DW:  Yep.

Me:  Did you also hear that Boozer’s dad made him eat cereal with his left hand and shoot over a broom?

DW:  Yes.

Me:  That stuff is nuts!……. Okay, so… did you think that the Lakers’ trade to get Pau Gasol was dirty?

DW:  Yeah, I don’t think that I should comment on that, but Pau is a great player and a nice guy.

(Now I am tensing up because I think he’s mad at me for asking about the Pau Gasol trade. I get so nervous that I start to think that inviting him to go miniature golfing might be a good idea. However, even though I find the ability to control myself, the questions I ask start to get more and more bizarre.)

Me:  Do you remember 9/11?

DW:  Yes.

Me:  Where were you when you heard about it?

DW:  At home.

Me:  Oh… I was at school.

(Panic sets in when I realize I can’t seem to ask any questions that would require more than a yes or no answer… and consequently I begin asking him even more ridiculous questions.)

Me:  Do you watch Wheel of Fortune?

DW:  Nope.

Me:  Man, how many times do you think the McRib has gone and then come back? At least 50, right?

DW:  I guess.

Me:  Remember when Hootie and the Blowfish were big?

DW:  Yeah.

Me:  How do you explain that?

DW:  I’m not sure if I can.

(Now, seeing no light at the end of my interview’s tunnel, I begin phase three of the interview ­– throw self-awareness out the window.)

Me:  Would it be okay with you if I gave you a nickname?

DW:  Well, most people already call me “D-Will,” but I guess you could try.

Me:  I was thinking about something with “cross” in it, because of your wicked crossover. Maybe “Wondercross” or “Cross to My Lou?”

DW:  Yeah, I think I’ll stick with D-Will.

Me:  One more question… and I feel a little embarrassed asking you this… but would you mind helping me dig a pit in my backyard for our trampoline?

DW:  No thanks.

Me:  …

DW:  Are we done?

This is about the time I woke up, relieved that it was just a dream, but also furious at myself for forgetting to ask him if he wanted to go to Classic Skating with me sometime.

Q: Do you mind talking to the Jazz uppity-ups about getting hands-free sinks in the ESA bathrooms? Tired of the whack-a-mole routine.

@BardenPembleton

I wish the Jazz uppity-ups listened to me. If they did, there’s no way nachos would be offered at concession stands anymore and a chocolate mint would be given away at the door after every win, just like the good ol’ days. Also, Jim Les would be wiped from the record books.

I know that this is a Jazz site, but when the Utah Jazz are done playing, I turn my attention to the Oakland Athletics. I was actually born in the Bay Area and have been an A’s fan since the Bash Brothers were roiding their way to the 1989 World Series title. Also, how can you NOT be an A’s fan after watching the movie “Moneyball?” But that’s neither here nor there. The reason I bring up the A’s is because their bathrooms are the epitome of efficiency. At the O.co Coliseum, much like other older venues, you go number one in a big, long bathtub. It doesn’t look appealing, but it was built for ease and functionality, not asthetics.

The ESA bathrooms are sort of the same. The only difference is that it has a row of urinals separated by a privacy divider that can double as a perfect coat rack. On the opposite wall there are a plethora of stalls for going numbers two and three. (It’s so great that we can all be adults about poo poo and pee pee.)

After you’ve done your doodie, you SHOULD head on over to the sinks so to wash your hands, which leads us back to your question. I guess I don’t mind the “whack-a-mole routine” as much as you do. I think we have a few more years before we call the hand-operated faucets the “rotary phone” of the sink world. You still find them more often than not — at least I do. The biggest issue I have with the ESA bathrooms is that EVERYTHING is always wet and it smells like nacho-turds.

Q: I’m from Idaho and go to two games a year and hit up Tucanos prior obviously. The problem is, I miss the 1^st quarter on the pot. What do I do?

@BranpuffAsh

Wow, two potty questions in one mailbag!?!? Is this heaven?

First off, shout out to Tucanos. That grub is bem gostoso! Second off, if you are missing Jazz game time in the bathroom, then I suggest you see your doctor. C’mon man, you need to get this fixed. Get some Activia yogurt or something. You don’t want to miss any quarters of basketball this year. The Jazz will be the seventh seed in the West. You heard it here first!

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Thanks for the questions, you guys! If any of you have connections to famous people, I would appreciate you telling them about Jimbo’s Mailbag so that we can get this thing goin VIRAL!