Jimbo’s Mailbag – Who Will Be Finals MVP?

Welcome to the next edition of Jimbo’s Mailbag! At Salt City Hoops, we know that covering a team without any humor can be dreary. As such, we decided to add a little bit more levity to our site via Jimbo’s unique outlook on the world of Jazz basketball. Jimbo, by virtue of being recently featured in the Deseret News, is now the world’s most famous Utah-based basketball mailbag artist. Interested in submitting a question to Jimbo’s mailbag? Email it to Jimbo at mailbag@saltcityhoops.com or tweet @JimboRudding to appear.

Q: Steph Curry and Klay Thompson remind me so much of Jimmer Fredette. I wonder if they practiced together?

@ryanshaw5122

I don’t know for sure if they ever practiced together, but I would bet my Beanie Babies collection that a game of PIG between these three would last more than six hours.

What’s sad is that Jimmer and I don’t really interact much anymore. We used to have a pretty close relationship a few years back, but now it’s more casual. I guess it could have something to do with the time we grabbed Café Zupas to go and then ate it at the park and he patiently listened to me tell him about the time I passed out after jumping too much at a House of Pain concert. It’s a pretty long story with an intricate maze of subplots and surprisingly important secondary characters, so I don’t blame anyone in the slightest if they need to take a Jimbo break after they’ve heard it.

Jimmer’s a stand-up guy, though. I hope he can find his way back into the league next year.

Q: How much wood could Steph Curry chuck if Klay Thompson could chuck wood?

@TheBang99

I’m not really sure how to answer this question—so instead I’ll just tell you a story about the first time I met Dick Nourse:

It was 2 a.m. and I couldn’t sleep, so I did what all Utahns do when they can’t sleep—I watched a VHS of Little House on the Prairie and then headed to IHOP for a very early breakfast. It was my birthday and I thought it would be nice to treat myself to a delicious pile of pancakes. Start the morning off right, you know what I mean?

So, I’m sitting there in a booth by myself with my birthday balloons and all of the sudden this tall drink of water walks up to me. At first I thought it was weird to see someone dressed like a drink of water, but then I remembered that it was the middle of Comic Con weekend and it made more sense.

Anyway, the drink of water eventually moved and standing right behind him was the one and only Dick Nourse. I had never met him before, just seen him on the local news, but he started the conversation by asking why I was eating at IHOP alone with birthday balloons at two in the morning. I thought it was kind of a rude way to start a conversation seeing as how he didn’t even know my name nor had he introduced himself to me. Plus I wasn’t very pleased with his tone, so I asked HIM what he was doing at IHOP at two in the morning with a guy in a drink of water costume.

Well, I could tell he didn’t like MY tone either and he said, “That’s my business.” Then I said, “Well, maybe you should just mind your own business?” Then he made some smart-alecky remark about how maybe I should’ve just left my balloons in my car and then I made a pretty mean comment about his hairline and things just went downhill from there.

Dick Nourse then made fun of my deviated septum and I had had enough so we got into a short physical scuffle right there in the IHOP dining area. When we were done scuffling there was syrup EVERYWHERE.

Long story short, IHOP called the cops and Dick and I spent the rest of the night trying to explain why we should be let off with only a warning. IHOP agreed not to press charges if we both cleaned the syrup off the ceiling fans. It took a couple hours of cleaning before either of us were ready to speak to the other. Eventually our anger towards each other turned to maple syrup and ceiling fans in general and towards the end we were laughing together. But then Dick inquired more about my balloons and I got upset again and another scuffle ensued, but this one didn’t last nearly as long nor did it involve as much syrup. Before you knew it, we were cleaning and laughing again.

Today I consider Dick Nourse to be one of my very best friends. We meet every year at 2 a.m. on my birthday and have pancakes at IHOP. He brings me balloons and we talk and laugh in our booth just like we did that fateful night all those years ago.

Q: What would you do if you saw Derek Fisher face to face and he recognized you from all your tweets?

@SamJud_17

I would grab both of his shoulders, look into his eyes, slowly lean in, and whisper, “All is still not forgiven.”

Q: Kevin Durant once tweeted, “#uever wake up in the middle of da night and think about a girl u like or startin to like and sit at da edge of the bed n say dang I want her” What do you do in similar circumstances?

@RileyOJazz

Well, this is a little awkward… mostly because I don’t sleep in a bed. I sleep in a hammock made of old Jr. Jazz jerseys. I find that the mesh material is better for my delicate and sensitive skin and I enjoyed wearing them so much as a kid that I decided to make it my permanent bedding.

However, I suffer from sleep apnea and sleep-walking tendencies so I HAVE woken in the middle of the night in completely strange places. I have done SO many things while sleep walking that my neighbors aren’t even weirded out by it anymore. They know what’s going on and they gently lead me back into my house and carefully lay me back in bed.

I’ve had many terribly embarrassing experiences in my life because of my sleep disorder. Here are some of my sleep-walking lowlights:

• I once sleepwalked over to the neighbors and, while he was in bed asleep, slowly and carefully swapped his CPAP machine with my own Raiders of the Lost Ark-style.
• I mowed the lawn wearing nothing but a beanie and rain boots.
• I grilled a TON of hot dogs.
• I got up to use the bathroom and accidentally peed in the dryer.
• While they were asleep, I gently picked up all seven of my kids from their beds, carefully sat them up on the couch, and sprayed them with a Super Soaker.
• I fixed our printer… and I don’t even know how to fix printers.
• I applied online for a job at Lowes.
• I drank half a bottle of vegetable oil.
• I drew up architectural designs for converting the entryway of my house to look like the front of a Hollister store.
• I called all my ex-girlfriends and told them that every time I took them to Denny’s for cheesecake it was just because I needed to use the bathroom really bad and I was too embarrassed to tell them.
• I made hundreds of origami flowers.

Q: Do Jazz players secretly pay off or bribe Bolerjack to never ever use his horribly made up nicknames?

@BiggyWyoming

Ah, Craiggers. He’s such a friendly personality and does a fine job at calling basketball games, but he is so bad at giving players respectable nicknames. Don’t get me wrong, he seems like a great guy and I imagine he’d be an amazing best friend who would probably forget that you borrowed 50 bucks from him 11 months ago, but some of the nicknames he comes up with I can’t quite get behind. It’s like he was born with a little more “awkward chauffer dad” than the regular adult male.

If you’re reading this and saying to yourself, “I could write a better mailbag if I dictated it to my dog… and why are you being such a turd? Boler’s nicknames aren’t THAT bad” then maybe you just don’t remember. Take a look at this list of nicknames that Boler has given to players and you’ll see what I mean:

• Milt Palacio – Cap’n Crunch
• Alec Burks – Houdini, Magic Man, More Evil David Blaine
• Raul Neto – Wolfie, Wolfman, The Wolfman, The Wolfer
• Rudy Gobert – The French Tall Guy, Je M’appelle Rudert
• Joe Ingles – Jinglin’ Joe, Jangles, Mr. Joe Jangles
• Devin Brown – Who?
• Jim Les – The Worst
• Andrei Kirilenko – The Big Russian Baryshnikov
• Kris Humphries – The Humphry Humph
• Mehmet Okur – The Money Man, Money, Dollars Guy
• Paul Millsap – Mill “Oh Snap”
• Elijah Millsap – Little Bro, Paul’s Kid, The Bad Millsap
• Kyle Korver – Double K’s, Hot Stuff, Dreamy
• Morris Almond – Almond Joy, More Almonds
• Ronnie Brewer – Waterslide, The Arm
• Kosta Koufos – The Koof, Bald Spot
• Eric Maynor – Who?
• Earl Watson – Junkyard Dog
• DeMarre Carroll – Junkyard Dawg
• Jeremy Evans – The Human Pogo Stick, Pogo, Jumpy Jumps
• Raja Bell – The Mistake
• Al Jefferson – Big Fella
• Carlos Boozer – Big Fella, Booze
• Greg Ostertag – Big Fella, Butterfingers
• Andre Owens – Who?

That’s quite a list. So, what do we as Jazz fans do about this? Absolutely nothing. It can only get better from here, right?

Q: Who do you think will be finals MVP? I’ve got either Kyron Irvine from the Cleveland Cavalias or Clay Thomas from Golden Stake.

@benjamingaines

See, this is a hard question to answer because I’ve been a rabid fan of both teams since I was a little kid growing up in Clevelandia and Golden Stake.

I grew up watching the Cleveland Cavalias destroy other teams by using the “Tres G’s” in Grant, Grompf, and Gutierrez. Those guys were almost unstoppable in the mid 80’s with their swarming defense and affinity for creating diversions by setting small fires on the court during games. Not to mention they had the “Flyin’ Ohioan” Jorge Smorthbrunch tearing down rims and taking names. Man, they were SO fun to watch!

On the flipside, I was also a HUGE Warriors fan in my teens. But, I mean, how could you NOT be a fan watching Hugh Gritch, Marley Porpel, and the “German Giant” himself Hans Fritzburger dominate opponents? I can, to this day, remember in ’83 how furious the Warriors’es Coach Hunterton got during the playoffs. He was so mad that he took a swing at one of the refs and then at one of his own players and then at a completely different ref and then back at the same player and then at a teenage girl in the crowd. He was quite the hot head. Heck of a good coach though. Times were just easier back then, you know?

Fortunately, I came to my senses later in life and joined Jazz Nation. In fact, a quick funny story about where the term “Jazz Nation” comes from–years ago I told some members of my Jazz fan club that we should start calling ourselves “Jazz Earth,” but the other guys in the club thought we should call ourselves “Jazz Nation” because they said it sounded smaller and it was more intimate and “better represented the type of narrative our club brand tried to convey.” Pfffft, whatever THAT means.

It turns out, one of the guys from the fan club ran into Matt Harpring at the Jo-Ann Fabrics in Sandy and convinced him to start using “Jazz Nation” during broadcasts and the rest is history.

To answer your question, I think Kiray Thirvas will be the MVP.

Q: Based on what Locke said Dennis Lindsey is looking for to replace Zanik, are you (@JimboRudding) or Peter Novak (@Peter_J_Novak) the better candidate?

@HipMrBully

I was sad to hear that Justin Zanik was leaving the Jazz to be the Milwaukee Bucks’es’s GM in waiting. He seemed like a good guy who had a strong grasp of how a franchise should run. In fact I’d like to take this opportunity on this platform to be the first Utah Jazz mailbagger to say congratulations to Justin. I hope he finds success and warmth during those cold Milwaukee winters.

That being said, Peter Novak and I are fairly similar when it comes to knowledge of the basketball world. Sure, Peter’s a “lawyer” and went to school for a decade and passed incredibly hard tests to get to where he is today, but I’ve also had to conquer my own trials in life. If you don’t believe me, here are just a few of my qualifications:

• In the summer of 1995 I successfully cooked an egg on the hood of my car. It tasted like bird poop… ha ha, I mean, what I imagine bird poop would taste like.
• I once ate an entire pan of brownies in two sittings.
• I bought an incredibly expensive computer program that promised to teach me Spanish in four months and I finished in two weeks.
• I’m proficient at using a computer mouse with both my right and left hands.
• I have never received a speeding ticket.
• I’ve seen every movie ever made that contains a Muppet, marionette, or talking doll.
• I know about 63% of the state capitals, but I’m working hard to get that up to 70% by the end of this year.
• I saved up my plasma money in college and bought a sea tortoise on the black market.
• I’ve broken up six fistfights at Wal Mart.
• In 7^th grade I pierced my own ear using only teenage rage and a paperclip.
• I once met Anthondy Kiedis from the Red Hot Chili Peppers because I lied and told the stage manager that he was my step-brother.

So, as you can see from that list, Peter’s and my skills are fairly similar. My owning a seas tortoise probably puts me ahead in the qualifications department, but not by much. It’s still an incredibly close race.

Best of luck to Peter Novak and all the other candidates. If I’m hired, I promise to find them all positions in my cabinet.

Q: Do you mulch or do you bag the grass when you mow the lawn?

@saltcityhoops

Wow, Spencer, this is an extremely personal question and I would thank you to stay out of my landscaping affairs.

However, because of my enormous respect for you as a person and because of your undying love and support for this mailbag, I have decided to go ahead and answer your question.

I don’t mulch, even though it’s probably high time I get in the mulching game. I usually skip the whole bagging process altogether and go straight from lawnmower catcher to garbage can. I’m what you would call a “yard work renegade.” The ladies used to LOVE it when I was in high school. In fact, sometimes on the first mow of the spring it can start to feel like Beatlemania on my street.

Thanks for all the questions, you guys! I had TONS of questions this week. Some I didn’t get to and for that I sincerely apologize. I will try to get to all of them next week.

Remember to tell the employees at the closest Mongolian BBQ about Jimbo’s Mailbag. Do it while trying to stuff a few egg rolls in your wallet. Make it weird.