Jimbo’s Mailbag – Who Will Be the Starting Five?

(Melissa Majchrzak/NBAE/Getty Images)

Here at Salt City Hoops, we’re occasionally accused of being too analytical. Basketball is a fun sport, they say, and we’re being too objective about it. Jumbo Rudding, on the other hand, is not analytical. He is zany. He is infamous for his out-of-left-field basketball jokes and opinions. We’re thrilled to have him contribute a mailbag each week on Salt City Hoops. Interested in submitting a question to Jimbo’s mailbag? Email it to Jimbo at mailbag@saltcityhoops.com or tweet @JimboRudding to appear.

Q: Who do you think the starting five will be for game #1? Who is the starting five in your neighborhood?

@Steeleman77

This is a GREAT question because I get to think about next season and it gets me all excited and tingly inside. However, when I think about my neighbors, I get the opposite of excited and tingly, which is not excited and yucky. I actually have two types of neighbors: the ones who annoy the crud out of me and the ones I haven’t met yet.

Anyway, here is who I think the Utah Jazz starting five will be next season:

• PG: Dante Exum – Exum is the future for the Utah Jazz at point guard. If he doesn’t improve his offensive game tremendously this year, then I think the Jazz should/will give up on him. But I don’t really know a ton about basketball or running a team, so don’t take my word for it.
• SG: Rodney Hood – When next season is over, we are all going to admit that Rodney Hood is a better player than Alec Burks. You can quote me on that. Just don’t publish it anywhere because I don’t really know a lot about the game of basketball or how to recognize talent.
• SF: Gordon Hayward – Gordon is getting really good. In fact, he’s almost too good, but not quite good enough to lead the Jazz to a championship yet, but still very good. This is great because we still have a few steps to take before winning a championship. Still though, I’m not exactly sure what those steps are or even what the word “championship” really means.
• PF: Derrick Favors – If Favors can learn to hit free throws, then the NBA better watch out because that would get his scoring average up to like, 42 points a game I think. I’m not entirely sure that is true though because I don’t look up statistics nor do I understand basic algebra.
• C: Rudy Gobert – Rudy was a HUGE surprise last year and from what I hear, his wingspan is getting so big that he could probably almost hug a redwood tree. That last part could be false because I’m really not sure what a wingspan is and I’ve never been to California.

Now here is a list of my starting five neighbors:

• PG: Sherry Millerton – She said something a few years ago about my wife’s hair that eventually got back to my wife and I was NOT happy about it. After not talking to them for a few years, I went over and asked to borrow a hairbrush and never returned it. That’s what you get when you mess with the Ruddings, Sherry!
• SG: Scott Price’s idiot teenage son (I think his name is Hayden or something) – I don’t have any proof, but I’m pretty sure he is the one who is lighting small fires in or near everyone’s mailboxes. Also, he and his friends are ALWAYS yelling, “SHUT UP, BUBBLES!” whenever their dog barks.
• SF: Bill Wadley – Bill used to be a fairly cool guy until he started making comments about the cracks in my driveway. He even owns a jackhammer! If it’s bothering you so much Bill, then why don’t you come and take care of it?! You know where I live.
• PF: Cesar Rodriguez – Cesar’s actually OK. He wears a bandana and nods whenever I drive by. I have no beef with him.
• C: Jared Goldsberry – Jared married a Japanese woman and now he thinks he’s Japanese too. He wears kimonos and makes everyone take off their shoes before coming into his house. It drives me crazy just typing about it.

So there you have it. The Utah Jazz starting five and my imaginary neighbors.

Q: Do you have a take on pseudonym usage? Name change suggestions for NBA players?

@the6bees

I LOVE pseudonyms! That’s why years ago I chose Jimbo Rudding. My real name is “Bert Terb;” it’s part Welsh and part Cherokee.

I think everyone should be allowed to go by a different name once they turn 18 years old. Some of the other options I thought of when I changed my name were “Stone Templepilots” and “Jake Rollerblader,” but I’m really glad I chose Jimbo Rudding. The name “Jack Dawson” from Titanic would have been a cool name to have as well. You guys seen Titanic? Great flick!

Here is a list of some NBA players and the new names that would describe them better:

• JR Smith – Dirty McGoatee
• Jim Les – Mr. The Worst
• Kyle Korver – Tommy Nocalves
• Al Jefferson – Andre Wheezy
• Derek Fisher – Señor Mentiroso
• Mark Jackson – John Sbackup
• Derek Harper – Utah Lover
• Kobe Bryant – Willy Colorado
• Tracy McGrady – Trent McSleepy
• Carmelo Anthony – Tony Musketeer
• Enes Kanter – Sloth

These names aren’t even the tip of my name iceberg. I’ll work on some more and … actually “Samuel Iceberg” would be a good one for David Lee. Not sure why, but it works. OK, now I’m done.

Q: Any new ideas for halftime acts?

@Mikeyvp

I’m SO glad you asked! I’m always thinking of ideas to make a Utah Jazz halftime better.

Here are some of my new halftime act ideas:

• I enter the court and hold up a giant photo of Walter Matthau and the crowd laughs hysterically at all the different ways I pronounce “Matthau.”
• I walk to center court and get down on my hands and knees and start spraying the court with 409 and wiping it down. What’s so cool about that, you ask? Well, it’s not really me. It’s a hologram of me. I’m really at home scrubbing my own floor. Sponsored by SEGA.
• I do mega-sick beatboxing for 20 straight minutes and when I’m through the front of my shirt is soaked from the sweat and spit!
• I come out dressed like a charred turkey costume and throw out delicious turkey breasts. After I’ve thrown out all 1,500 of them and the crowd is quietly eating, I gently remind everyone to be careful while stampeding their local Targets during Black Friday.
• I lip-sync the Banana Boat song while the Jazz dancers pummel me with ingredients for banana splits. Jazz organization is responsible for clean-up.
• I am rolled onto the court riding on top of a basketball carrier. Once the crowd starts getting restless wondering if that is the whole show, that’s when I do some freestyle basketball carrier moves that are so awesome, the creators of the movie Rad start working on a script for Rad 2.
• Betty White and I enter the court and do a quick tap dance routine. During the routine, Betty White falls and pretends to be unconscious. I then pretend to do CPR, and the audience is a little on-edge because they think it’s real. Then I realize it IS real and I grab the microphone and yell, “DOES ANYONE HERE KNOW CPR?!?!” C’mon Betty, don’t you die on me!
• I enter court and announce that one lucky person has a ticket underneath their chair. That lucky person is going to be Gail Miller and she wins one slow dance with me to REO Speedwagon’s “Can’t Fight This Feeling.”

Thanks for asking about my halftime act ideas! My garage is full of items I plan on using to wow Utah audiences. I will continue posting my halftime ideas from time to time.

Q: What’s the greatest Utah Jazz game you’ve ever watched?

@artdirector_g

I’m going to exclude all of the Finals games because I feel like those were the best games most Jazz fans have ever watched. There was the triple-overtime Bulls game back in 1992, but I can’t remember a ton about that one.

I’ll go with Game 7 against the Rockets back in the 2007 playoffs. Boozer and Deron Williams were amazing in that game. Boozer had 35 points and 14 rebounds while D-Will had 20 points and 14 assists. Derek Fisher chipped in with 1 lie and Memo had some BIG three’s down the stretch. I was on the edge of my seat for most of that game. I even re-watch parts of it on YouTube every so often. Ahhh Jazz memories!

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Thanks for the questions, y’all! Remember, tell your aunts and uncles about the mailbag. Keep the summer rollin’.