Jimbo’s Mailbag – Who’s on Santa’s Naughty List?

Dennis Lindsey from June 2014 (Getty Images)

Welcome to the next edition of Jimbo’s Mailbag! At Salt City Hoops, we know that covering a team without any humor can be dreary. As such, we decided to add a little bit more levity to our site via Jimbo’s unique outlook on the world of Jazz basketball. Jimbo, by virtue of being recently featured in the Deseret News, is now the world’s most famous Utah-based basketball mailbag artist. Interested in submitting a question to Jimbo’s mailbag? Email it to Jimbo at mailbag@saltcityhoops.com or tweet @JimboRudding to appear.

Q: Call me crazy, but I really don’t think Dennis Lindsey reads the mailbag. At this point, could it hurt?

@SpamIsDelish

Oh boy, after the Pelicans game the other night, there’s no way it could hurt. If I were Dennis Lindsey, I would be scouring the internet for suggestions on how to do his job better because as we all know, crazy fans who type things on the internet know best and are capable of fixing anything. I’m not saying that I’m crazy; I’m as sane as they get. Everyone else is crazy.

I don’t think Dennis Lindsey reads Jimbo’s Mailbag… or does he??? Think about it — I suggested before the season even started that maybe Coach Snyder should forget a point guard and try a three-wing lineup and it’s been working late in games (for the most part). Then, I wrote in another mailbag that maybe it was time to play Jeff Withey a little more and I’ll be danged if Withey didn’t start getting more time on the court. Now, just as a test to see if he DOES read this, I’m going to suggest Dennis Lindsey trade anyone on the team for anyone on another team. Ha ha, now we wait.

In the off-chance that someone in the Jazz organization is reading this, here are a few other suggestions I have for the team:

• Trade Trey Lyles to the Spurs for Patty Mills. Once the Spurs have magically made Lyles an elite NBA player, sign him to a big contract.
• Trade Chris Johnson, Eli Millsap, and Joe Ingles to whichever team has Juwan Howard now.
• Make it legal for Jazz fans to bring 12-foot party subs into the game.
• Change “ROOT Sports” to “SHOOT Sports.” I mean, what do roots have to do with basketball anyway?
• Suggest to Allen Handy that he check with me before choosing which Jazz gear he wears to the game.
• Let the Therm guy be in the Jazz team picture.
• Maybe dangle a few newborn kittens from the Deseret News blimp?
• Whenever the Jazz lose at home, 15 lucky fans get to trade cars with the Jazz players for a day.

So, the most important thing to take away from this response is to tell your friends and family about this mailbag. Especially if you’ve done very well for yourself and you live in a Jazz employee’s neighborhood. It could be the difference between the playoffs and lottery.

Q: I’d like to give Kobe Olden Polynice’s old police badge as a gift to see what bored Mamba does with it. Better idea?

@the6bees

If you’re talking about a career parting gift, then this is a perfect question. In fact, I feel like I should hold onto this question until the end of the season so that I have more time to write a thorough response and then have one killer mailbag when the Jazz send Kobe into retirement with a loss.

Meh, a whole lot can happen between now and then, so I should probably strike while the iron is warm. Here are a few parting gift ideas for Kobe before his last road game here in Utah:

• A mannequin wearing his white ensemble from the 2010 photo shoot.
• A giant picture of himself.
• Huge bags of salt water taffy; so many that he becomes visibly anxious about how in the world he’s going to get it all home.
• A jar of the air saved from the night he air-balled four three-pointers in the playoffs.
• A Shaq jersey.
• A mirror
• A Kobe jersey

That’s all I can come up with right now. I’m sure tomorrow I will think of hundreds more.

Q: Which NBA players are on Santa’s naughty list this year?

@Mare_Bear_Baum

This is another great question! I actually have a friend who plays racquetball with Santa and he gave me the inside scoop on the NBA naughty list this year. So without further adiauexauoo, here is a list of players on Santa’s naughty list along with a description of their wrong doings:

• “Unnamed Jazz Player” – You know who I’m talking about. The Jazz player who got a little too excited and fell into Rudy Gobert during practice causing him to sprain his knee and miss substantial time. You can’t hide from us! We have ways of making players talk. We WILL find you! Unless it was D-Faves or Hayward in which case it was simply an honest mistake. Nobody’s perfect.
• JR Smith – For lying about Jazz fans yelling the N-word at him during games in SLC. I call bull. I’ve been to hundreds of Jazz games, lower and upper bowl, and the only N-word I’ve ever heard is “NUTS!” As in, “I want some more” or “that play was” or “I’m voting for Deez.”
• Jim Les – No explanation needed.
• Kobe Bryant – For retiring and distracting everyone from the horrible way he’s played these last three years.
• Mark Jackson – For thinking he is better than John Stockton. (This gets you on Santa’s naughty list every year for the rest of your life. Santa holds grudges.)
• Derek Fisher – Again, this is apparently one of those inexcusable acts. Derek’s a naughty list lifer.
• Draymond Green – For being too much of a champion. It’s like, let someone else be champion for once, Dray!
• Jamal Crawford – For stealing so many shots from his teammates.
• Chris Paul – For punching and then tripping Rudy Gobert right before he “broke his ankles.”
• Tim Duncan, Tony Parker, Manu Ginobili – For still being good at basketball and not getting old like normal human beings are supposed to.

Did I miss anyone?

Q: Why is Trey Lyles not in the D-league? Also, are you related to the pink grandmas?

@HatchetEyewear

I’ll answer your last question first. Yes, I am related to the pink grandmas. However, it is very distantly. According to findyourcousins.com, we’re 15^th cousins 15 times removed, which doesn’t even sound possible, but it’s on the internet so it must be true. Apparently one of my British ancestors Daniel Rudding met and fell in love with a girl named Kumiko while attending a mathematics retreat in Okinawa in the 1700’s.  Her family was initially opposed to the relationship, but Daniel saved a young girl during a lightning storm one night and they were all cool with it after that. Daniel and Kumiko were eventually married, but left Okinawa after Daniel was publicly ridiculed for not being great at using the quadratic equation. Daniel and Kumiko emigrated from Japan and moved to the United States where they started a nationally recognized frosted sugar cookie business. The pink grandmas still run the cookie business today and their pink cookies have become a cheap and delicious lunch option for many high school students.

Now as for Trey Lyles: I believe the ONLY reason Trey is not in the Developmental League is because the Jazz actually need him. He is really the only “big” guy capable of staying somewhat close to big players on the other team that he is assigned to prevent from scoring. Tibor isn’t mobile enough and Booker needs a break every once in a while for some reason.

It’s unfortunate because Trey would probably benefit from a long stint in the D-league. He looks lost on defense and overwhelmed on offense. I would say that his ceiling is probably Boris Diaw and his basement is probably… well… himself, right now. So, what you choose to do with that information I just gave you is your business.

Q: I bought Direct TV last week so I could watch the Jazz. We haven’t won a game since. Is it all my fault? How do I remedy it?

@bc_barrow

Sadly, yes, it IS all your fault. Please turn yourself, along with your Direct TV box, into the Vivint Smart Security before the next home game and you will be punished accordingly. After your time served, the only way make this right is to call up Dish Network, ask if their refrigerator is running, and then hang up. After you’ve done that, you will need to call Comcast and sign a five-year contract.

Don’t feel bad. In 2007, when the Jazz lost to the Spurs in the Western Conference Finals, I admittedly contributed to the Jazz losses because I was mistakenly squeezing my lucky Jazz key chain in my left hand instead of my right. The right hand was the one that caused all of the wins during the previous serieses’s and like the giant dummy nincompoop that I am, I assumed it was the key chain that was responsible for the wins when in reality it was the squeezing while using the correct hand. By the time I realized what I had done it was too late.

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Thanks again for all your questions this week! I keep getting these weird phone calls from the FBI wondering what all the internet buzz is about and all I keep telling them is that Jazz fans love their mailbags. It’s all because of you, friends.