Jimbo’s Mailbag – Ford Dunks and a Cooker For Hire

(AP Photo/Craig Mitchelldyer)

Welcome to the next edition of Jimbo’s Mailbag, our regular dose of levity here at Salt City Hoops. In each mailbag, Jimbo answers your burning questions with his unique outlook on Jazz basketball. Jimbo, by virtue of being recently featured in the Deseret News, is now the world’s most famous Utah-based basketball mailbag artist. Interested in submitting a question to Jimbo’s mailbag? Email it to Jimbo at mailbag@saltcityhoops.com or tweet @JimboRudding to appear.

Q: We have Ford dunks and MACU threes, what else needs sponsors?
@Floydroid27

Great question! I, for one, am SUPER glad that Ford brings us those dunks, because no Ford, no dunks, and I couldn’t live in a world without dunks. So, let me be the first to say, thanks Ford!

The only bad thing about MACU sponsoring three-pointers is it takes like 90 seconds to say the advertisement after the shot. “That three-pointer was brought to you by our good friends at Moutain America Credit Union, where future is our future and home loans are our game. Sign up for a no-money down 3.6 percent APR second mortgage and you’ll love our customer service. Call Brenda today!” or something like that. By the time Booner/Harpring is done saying it, the game is well into halftime.

But, like I said, I understand the need for sponsors and money, so I’m cool with it. In fact, the way I understand it—the more sponsors we have, the more money the Jazz get and the more money the Jazz get, the better chance of signing LeBron James and Stephen Curry to a rest-of-their-lives contract. So, that’s why I made this list of potential sponsors:

• Shelvin Mack turnovers, brought to you by the smell coming from the Pioneer Park bathrooms.
• “Is George Hill playing tonight?” from our good friends at In-and-Out Burger.
• Famous Dave’s Favors’ Current Injury
• The “Who in this lineup is going to score?” by Axe Body Spray.
• The “Quin’s still learning” segment of the game sponsored by Megan’s Piano Lessons.
• A “Diaw Domination!” brought to you by a giant fart sound.
• The “Where did that come from?!?!” play of the game brought to you by the 1999 Salt Lake tornado.
• “Onde está Raul Neto?” sponsored by a collection of Jazz fans.
• A “The other team exploiting Trey Lyles defense” brought to you by the leftovers in the fridge that no one’s excited to eat again.

Q: Coach mentioned that Alan Handy lost the Bulls game for us. Do you agree or disagree?
@DaveDaBomb

I must’ve missed those comments from Coach Snyder. If you think about it, that DOES make sense though. As I’ve described in previous mailbags, Handy owns the same grayish purple Jazz jacket that I do and it has caused me insurmountable anxiety and stress to the point where I find it hard to even look at the jacket hanging in my closet. Plus the Jazz lost the last two games I wore it to, so I CERTAINLY can’t wear it in public anymore.

But no, I don’t think Alan Handy and his jacket were the ONLY reason the Jazz lost to the Bulls on Thursday. If you ask me, which you did, the blame rests solely on the Jazz Dunk Team taking too long to position their mats. It’s like, c’mon guys, stop messing around with the mats and start dunking. We don’t have time for you to fiddle around with the equipment, you have dunks to get to! They could have fit two, maybe three more dunks in last night, but instead they used that time to push and kick at the mats after they landed. Like a half inch nudge is going to make all the difference?

So, long story short, someone needs to steal Alan Handy’s Jazz jacket.

Q: What are the chances of this upcoming mailbag being the greatest Jimbo’s Mailbag to date?
@G_Faylor

Well, I can tell you that this one is shaping up to be the best one yet. Not only that, but a few more small edits and I think there’s about a 104% chance that it could be the best mailbag ever. Yeah, I said EVER. On the flip side, and if I’ve done my math right, there’s like a negative 14% chance that this mailbag could just be “OK.” Either way the odds are in our favor, you guys!

But really, I’m just the messenger. Y’all are the ones who consistently submit questions and click on links and for some reason read the nonsense that I type into this computer typing machine thingy. You’s are the ones who’ve allowed me to continue bringing the magic for the last 18 months. When Salt City Hoops called me up they said, “You make the magic; they read the magic. That’s it.” And that has always been the deal. Then when I asked about possibly receiving season tickets for my troubles they said, “You just focus on that magic.” And now whenever I ask about season tickets they just yell, “MAGIC!”¹

I’m so humbled and surprised at the countless ways that Jimbo’s Mailbag is used for good. In fact, last week’s Jimbo’s Mailbag was used to comfort those who were distraught and even hysterical after the presidential election. Paper copies have been dropped into orphanages, onto the streets of Orem (the rough part of Orem), and into Jim Les’es’s backyard. I’ve even heard that BYU and Utah student athletes are required to read the one from March 2015 before they play each other just to lighten the mood and remind everyone what’s really important.

So, you ask me if this mailbag is the greatest one to date? You be the judge.

But yes, it is.

Q: George Hill is looking for a chef on Twitter. Are you going to apply? And if so, give us an interview preview in the next mailbag.
@azamatsecoy

I HAVE been planning to apply and thank you very much for asking. I’m actually a voracious cooker. I cook voraciously. Family members are always complimenting me, saying things like, “Jimbo, you’re a good cooker!” and “You’re probably the most voracious cooker I know!” and “Shouldn’t food be dead when it’s done cooking?” I’m humbled by the compliments, but there’s always room to improve. Nobody’s perfect.

If I make it to the George Hill cooker interview process, this is how I imagine it would go:

George: Why are you wearing that toga?

Me: It’s not a toga. It’s my cooking uniform.

George: What do you like to cook?

Me: You name it.

George: Salads?

Me: What are those?

George:

Me:

George: Let’s move on—where did you learn to cook?

Me: Guy Fieri.

George: WOW! You actually took cooking lessons from Guy Fieri?

Me: No, I just watched his show a lot…but I DID meet him once.

George: Where?

Me: His front yard…well, no, I take that back. He actually met ME. I hopped his fence and he and his dogs took me down right next to some giant landscaping rocks. He has a beautiful home.

George: OK, do you have any experience making meals for people.

Me: Does throwing an apricot onto the stage at a Jon Bon Jovi concert count?

George: No.

Me: Then no.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand scene!

Q: Any chance the trainers could “buddy-tape” Alec Burks to another player to avoid further injury?
@the6bees

Right? For the 4,000th time in Jimbo’s Mailbag—injuries are the WORST! I’m going to go out on a branch here and say that there’s like a 6% chance that Alec Burks plays before the All-Star break. I’m also going to say that there’s a 7% chance the Jazz trade him before the trade deadline. He’s almost impossible to trade because no other team wants an oft-injured player, no matter how athletic he is.

What WOULD be pretty great is if each team was allowed a sixth man to be on the court during games. A “protector” if you will, who wouldn’t be allowed to touch the ball or score or even play defense. His only role would be to protect one player at all costs. The protector would only be allowed to carry around one of those air mattress you take camping and two pool noodles. That’s it.

I’m not sure if my idea will take off. I’ve sent my fair share of letters to the league office, but I have yet to hear back. I don’t know if this will get approved, but goodness gracious we have to do SOMETHING! Our players are getting injured and we’re all just sitting here letting it happen. I’m for change. Let’s make the NBA great again!

Thanks for the questions this week, you guys! Remember to tell people you encounter taking selfies about Jimbo’s Mailbag. Once you’re done describing the mailbag, ask them if they’d like you to take their picture and then when they hand you their phone, just chuck it into a pond and RUN! Make it weird.